"You can only put so much of a shine on a turd..."

Since my surgery date, if I had a nickel for every time someone said how great I look, I would be a very wealthy man! I know everyone has nothing but good intentions when they say it, but the truth is that I don't see it! I honestly had the surgery for health and quality of life reasons, and not for looks. I think that when I respond with my "turd" line, it is largely a defense mechanism, as I am not used to hearing that very much. The truth is that fat people don't get many positive remarks about their looks. I never did anyway. So when I don't respond appropriately to a compliment, please understand that I am just not used to it.

But hearing all these comments has gotten me thinking. As a society we focus so much on body image, and I have to confess that it has impacted my life as well, despite my insistence that I am not into focusing on how I look. Pre-surgery, my kids would always assume (correctly most of the time) that when we went to a hotel, that dad would not go swimming. Or when they went to a neighbor's pool, dad would never go in the water. Or when we spent a week at a family reunion at the beach, dad was not going with them when they went swimming. The fact is, I was the biggest person there, and I was uncomfortable. So, it was an easier decision for me to avoid an uncomfortable situation and miss out on parts of my kids' lives than to be uncomfortable and be a part of my kids' lives. Sad, huh? Since the surgery, I have been much more comfortable with who I am. I suppose that has so much to do with being at an extreme with my size. Nobody wants to be the biggest anything... well, maybe porn stars, but that is another discussion.

I find that since the surgery, I often still walk by a mirror and don't recognize the person that I am seeing. In my mind, I am still a porker. But according to the U.S. government, I am now officially not obese. Granted, I am still considered overweight, but I don't think that will ever change. Some people have actually told me that they now think I am too skinny. Wow! Are you freakin' kidding me? The thing is, physically I feel great right now- better than I ever have! I have energy to spare, and am not going back to being fat! I know how poor I felt! I am following the program that the doctors have given me, and intend to keep following it. It is a road map to success, and I will use this tool of my surgery to keep living a top quality life! Too thin? Haha... please don't make me respond to that!

One thing that has been a strange experience for me has been clothes shopping. When you are overweight, it is difficult to find decent looking clothes that fit well. Casual Male Big&Tall was just about my only clothing destination for most of my adult life. They were limited in the styles they carried, but they usually had things that made me look professional. The downside to Casual Male: the price. The fact is that the typical overweight person gets screwed royally when they walk into that store. Yes, they carry Wrangler jeans in a 56 inch waist. Few others do. Come on in and buy it... only $69.99! And you know what, I happily gave them my money, because the alternative was that I would go to work wearing a sexy mumu.

As my weight has been decreasing, my clothes-buying options have been increasing... big time. The first time I went into Kohls, I nearly had a panic attack. Thank God that Kathleen was there. They actually had multiple styles from which to choose! I had to actually THINK about what I WANTED to wear! And then she did it... my wife introduced me to the discount racks! What a concept! I found a pair of jeans at Kohls on the 80% discount rack, and with another 20% off coupon, I paid about $7.50 for them! Kohls is now my bitch!

When I do shop for clothes, I always still seem to gravitate to sizes that are 2-3 sizes above what I actually can wear. I am now a size large, but I always instinctively reach for a 2XL size. I had to force myself last weekend to go through my closet and bag up my 2XL clothes. I had done this previously with my 4XL and 3XL sizes, and as of last weekend,  have donated 30 large trash bags filled with my clothes to either Ginny's Pantry and Thrift Shop or Salvation Army. Oh, the tax receipts this has earned us!

I am sure that I will continue to struggle with my body's self-image. I will always see myself to some degree as a fat guy. And really, I don't think I was a bad person when I was overweight. The image I portrayed to others though, was one of laziness and of being a slob. I always battled hard to overcome those perceptions, and I don't think I was completely successful. I suppose that how others view me is important to some extent, but in all honesty, the fact that I feel so good, and can keep Kohls as my bitch is more important to me that what anyone else sees.

After all, there is only so much of a shine you can put on a turd!