I was fortunate enough to have coffee Wednesday with a man that I have come to respect very much over the past couple of years. I have struggled with many issues regarding how I am handling family and friends in my life lately, and I was looking for some guidance. As we sat and talked for that hour or so, I had one of those crystallizing moments in my brain.
Although others had told me that it was happening, I realized that I was allowing myself to be used by a friend. I am not angry about this- I think this person needed me to help enable them. And as time went on, I would seek out ways to keep that person happy. I honestly believed that if I could do something to make her happy, that it might ease her burden and inspire her to work toward positive things in her life. My intentions were always good- not always pure- but always good. In so many ways, my relationship with this person has made me a better person. I have become much more selfless and giving, and I have felt a sense of worthiness that I have done good things for a person who has been dealt a shit sandwich in life. But at the same time, I believe that I have compromised many of the core characteristics of who I am, and I have diminished my self-worth. I came to the point in this relationship, where I believe that it became almost completely one-sided. Well no more.
While I love my friend, I can no longer support her in this capacity. If she wants to be a part of my journey, then she is welcome to come along. If she decides to do so, then I know that her decisions will be helpful to moving her life in a positive direction, and not self-destructive, as they currently are. I have great and wonderful things in my future, and cannot afford to head in a negative direction.
During coffee Wednesday, my friend gave me some wonderfully sound advice. He also gave me some resources to read through, which have also helped me further. The link below was also posted online by another good friend, but it made me realize that I have been doing many of the things in this article to myself, and that I need to stop it, and focus on me for a change!
I hope my friend takes the time to really read the link below. If she does, and truly does a self-reflection, she will see what I see, and what many others who know her see, whether they have the courage to tell her this or not.
As for me, my journey continues. There will be many speed bumps, I'm sure. However, in time, and with the help of my good friends, I know that I will accomplish things that I could never imagine! I am on my way!
30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself
Friday, December 16, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
My self-worth battles and losing close relationships...
Now don't get me wrong, I know that in many ways I am blessed. I have my health, and I have two of the most amazing kids in the world. I also am lucky enough to have such a wonderful group of friends, many are old friends, while others I have only met recently. I value them all dearly.
But with the great change of weight loss comes great changes to the mind. And unfortunately, my mind is directly connected to my heart. With my massive weight loss, I have become very passionate and demanding about a number of things. And while this weight loss has allowed me to remove any physical barriers to accomplishing any goal I set out to do (hello? half marathon?), the biggest problem I have had has been the many people close to me who have been placing emotional barriers in my way to success. In an earlier post, I discussed my mother at length. I have not had any contact with her since the summer, and that has been a huge weight off my shoulders. Maybe some day I will find room for her in my life, but it will be on my terms, and it is not now.
More recently though, I have had some more serious issues with those closest to me. I will not use this space to personally bash anyone I discuss, nor will I tolerate personal negative comments by readers. While I don't agree with many of the decisions these people are making in their lives, I love all of them dearly. I just may need to love them from a distance. I am no saint either, and many of the decisions I have made have not been helpful to the cultivation of these relationships. I know that, and this blog is simply an outlet for me to discuss my feelings in more depth.
There is some very sad news in my life. It appears that my marriage is ending. Kathleen and I have agreed to separate. We have increasingly been growing apart, and since my surgery, I have not felt that I have had the necessary love and support in my life from my spouse. We have been working in couple's counseling since the summer, and have recently decided that we are getting nowhere and need a break. I don't want to get into details here, but I have agreed to move out sometime after the holidays. Also, if you read this and you know my children, please do not discuss this with them- they are unaware. We are planning to tell them after the holidays, when we have a clear plan in place. This is a very private and painful experience for both of us. What is ripping my heart out more than anything is the fact that in a few weeks, i am leaving my kids. I know that they will still be an active part of my life, and vice-versa, but the mere fact that I will be living at a different address is killing me.
I have gone through the spectrum of emotions over this issue. I have felt grief, sadness, indifference, anger, and even a good bit of optimism and hope. I am hopeful that by agreeing to make this change, that I will have a chance at the happiness that has eluded me for a good bit of my life. Kathleen is a good person, a fantastic teacher, and a great mom. I am just realizing that for a number of reasons, that we may not be able to continue in our relationship. And while that is very painful for me to deal with, I have keep my focus on what will be best for my kids in the long run. Whether we are together as a married couple or apart, I have to continue to work on my relationship with Kathleen so that my kids get the best and most consistent care they can from both of us. So while I don't see much hope in our marriage, I do want to continue to pursue counseling for us, and will always work to find ways to increase our positive communication.
And while there is so much more to the story than I wrote here, this is the extent to which I am willing to comment in a blog at this time. Please respect this, and know that both Kathleen and I are suffering with this decision, and are doing what we feel is best for our futures, as well as the futures of our children.
I have also been struggling with a relationship with a close friend, who has been struggling with similar issues as I have. She is a terrific person, and has been a great source of inspiration for me over the past many months. However, in recent months, I feel that the relationship has turned very one-sided. She has been burdened by some horrible things that are occurring in her life, and has tried very hard to push everyone out of her life. Until recently, I have managed to push back in. I care too much about both her and her family not to try.
My friends know that I am a fiercely loyal person. I may be many many things things- stubborn, opinionated, and emotional, to name a few- but once you enter my world as a friend, I will do anything and everything to keep you there. I don't have many ended relationships in my life as a result. I will gladly and repeatedly give anything I have- time, effort, money, etc...- to help out one of my friends in need.
What kills me more than anything is seeing my friends suffer. I have watched this particular friend suffer deeply, and have tried to be supportive in any way that I think she needs it. Sometimes that has meant that I am forward, just doing things to help her. And other times, it has meant that I need to back away. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for her. But lately, no matter what I do, I have watched my friend push away some of the most supportive and wonderful people in her life. She is now drinking alcohol almost daily, and often heavily, and is clearly spiraling downwards. She has befriended people who are clearly leading her down unhealthy paths. And while I completely understand that, because she recently ended a long and bad relationship herself, she needs to have the freedom to experiment a bit and be a liberated person, she seems to be headed down the wrong path.
My attempts to help her lately have been met with scorn, and I told her that I can't continue to support her if she does this. She has essentially responded that she wants my friendship, but not my advice. I don't think I can live with that deal.
I understand that this journey is a struggle. I struggle every day, and continue to make all kinds of mistakes; physically, mentally, and emotionally. But there are roads that I can never head down. Aside from the fact that there is a long history of alcoholism and substance abuse in my family. Both of my parents, along with my grandparents, have had to deal with this. Add that to the fact that people who have had gastric bypass surgeries have much higher instances of alcoholism than the general population, and I am terrified for my friend and her two beautiful kids. I have decided that I need to step away from her for a while, which is breaking my heart. I will still send her encouraging emails to do healthy things, like attending support group meetings and doctor appointments. However, I can't hang out with her while she is acting like this.
In the end, that might be a reason for her to end our friendship. I am not optimistic at the moment. In fact, it is killing me that I can't do more to help her. However, lately I have felt like much of my support has been used as a crutch to help her with some of these bad habits. That makes me feel like I have been used, and this brings back all my issues of self doubt. I know that I need to be stronger, because I believe that there will be a time that my friend will still need me, and I have to be ready to help her. But I will not be used as a crutch any more. I can't stop her from this spiral, but I can step back and remain supportive when she hits bottom. But I know that she is an adult, and as such makes her own decisions.
She may not want me to be in her life any more. Very possible. And my life will have a huge hollow place, as inside she is such an amazing person. But I see no other way. If I push now, I think that she will become defensive and resentful (she already has been), and I don't want her to hate me. The very last thing that I ever want is to burden her any more. She deserves nothing but the best in her life, and because of her own self-worth issues, is not insisting on high standards. I just hope that she starts reaching higher, as not only her future, but the future of her children are at stake. I am here if she needs me, but I have to focus on other things right now, as I won't be dragged into her tailspin. I need to be better than that. Staying away from my friend is the only way I know to show her how much I care, and I am afraid I care more than she will ever know.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Ready or not, here I run!
Leave it to me to wait until 4 days before my first half-marathon to injure myself. Achilles tendonosis, or a small tear of my Achilles tendon. The worst part is that I was following the training plan almost religiously, and was tapering down my run lengths before my race. A week ago, I did my last big long run of 12.5 miles. So as for distance, I am there!
Last Saturday, I ran a 5k race, and broke my personal best time by almost 3 1/2 minutes! On Monday, I had a good 5 mile run, and on Wednesday, I was planning to do an easy 4 mile run, and then do another 3 miles on Friday, with my race on Sunday morning. While about 2 miles into my Wednesday flat run, I suddenly felt a pain in the back of my left foot. I immediately walked for about a minute or so, but then decided to try and finish my run and push through the pain, which I was able to do.
Since that time, I have clearly been hobbling around, and have been resting and icing the foot as often as possible. I have no idea how I will feel on Sunday, but I do know one thing:
If I need to do this race on crutches, or hopping on one foot, I am a go! I should be ok, as I think it is one of those injuries that will tend to be sore when I first wake up, but might loosen up during my run. In a few hours, I will find out for sure!
Click here to go to my Children's Hospital Boston Fundraising Page
Why will I be running?:
* I am running for my friend Darren, who had heart surgery at CHB.
* I am running for my friend Dana, who also had heart surgery at CHB.
* I am running for T, one of my students, who gets regular treatment at CHB for a bone marrow disorder.
* And of course I am running for Charlie and Allie, two very special angels in my life, who have had their lives blessed through CHB.
* I am also running for my own kids. I thank God that they have never needed Children's Hospital Boston, but it is so reassuring knowing that if they ever did need it, the finest treatment in the world is literally right up the street in Boston, at CHB.
I am humbled and honored by the incredible level of support that my friends and family have shown me in this effort. Tomorrow morning, I hope to make all of you proud of me.
Ready or not, here I run!
Last Saturday, I ran a 5k race, and broke my personal best time by almost 3 1/2 minutes! On Monday, I had a good 5 mile run, and on Wednesday, I was planning to do an easy 4 mile run, and then do another 3 miles on Friday, with my race on Sunday morning. While about 2 miles into my Wednesday flat run, I suddenly felt a pain in the back of my left foot. I immediately walked for about a minute or so, but then decided to try and finish my run and push through the pain, which I was able to do.
Since that time, I have clearly been hobbling around, and have been resting and icing the foot as often as possible. I have no idea how I will feel on Sunday, but I do know one thing:
I WILL BE RUNNING!!!
If I need to do this race on crutches, or hopping on one foot, I am a go! I should be ok, as I think it is one of those injuries that will tend to be sore when I first wake up, but might loosen up during my run. In a few hours, I will find out for sure!
Click here to go to my Children's Hospital Boston Fundraising Page
Why will I be running?:
* I am running for my friend Darren, who had heart surgery at CHB.
* I am running for my friend Dana, who also had heart surgery at CHB.
* I am running for T, one of my students, who gets regular treatment at CHB for a bone marrow disorder.
* And of course I am running for Charlie and Allie, two very special angels in my life, who have had their lives blessed through CHB.
* I am also running for my own kids. I thank God that they have never needed Children's Hospital Boston, but it is so reassuring knowing that if they ever did need it, the finest treatment in the world is literally right up the street in Boston, at CHB.
I am humbled and honored by the incredible level of support that my friends and family have shown me in this effort. Tomorrow morning, I hope to make all of you proud of me.
Ready or not, here I run!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Healthy, and working on happy...
A few (some deep and some not so deep) thoughts about my weight loss journey...
* Man cannot live on protein bars alone. Way too much gas...
* Running is not as painful after you lose 183 pounds. I can't say that I have had no discomfort, however. As strange as it sounds, the nipples on my moobs get very sore and ultra-sensitive. I suppose this is from the salt in my sweat. No pain, no gain I suppose! I guess my left knee is slightly sore as well. But none of this is enough to slow me down.
* I made a wicked sugar-free blueberry cinnamon compote the other day. It was very simple. In a 3/4 hot pan, I combined about 2 pints of blueberries with 2 tablespoons of Smuckers sugar-free grape jam. I stirred until the jam was completely mixed in with the blueberries. Then, I added about a teaspoon of lemon juice to the mix, as well as 2 tablespoons of ground cinnamon. I cooked, stirring, for a few minutes, until the blueberries started to break down a bit.
My kids had this over vanilla ice cream, while I have added a teaspoon to Greek Yogurt for a delicious addition! I am glad I tried this, because I think when berries go out of season, and I need to rely on frozen berries, this will be an amazing alternative. Plus, the cinnamon gives the concoction a buttery flavor that I absolutely love! Enjoy!
* The BoDeans and the Del Fuegos have some really good songs to put in a running playlist. I think I need to focus on music and running on an upcoming blog post.
* Running does have many side effects. I have incredible levels of energy and stamina, my core muscles are becoming developed as never before, and I always feel a great sense of accomplishment whenever I run. There is one side effect, as I have discovered, that is not so pleasant. While it has not impacted me during my runs, it has shortened a couple of my longer runs. Runs... haha... get it? No? Click the link... http://www.10k-running.com/1/post/2010/03/is-running-a-natural-laxative.html
* During my weight-loss journey, some days are better than others. Today fell into that "others" category. One thing I have discovered is that as you physically change, people around you change as well, in the way they view you and treat you. I was always known as "that happy fat guy". Now that I have lost all my weight, I don't think that I am putting up with as much crap in my life. Maybe this is because my confidence level is much higher, or maybe I am just more aware of how I interact with my friends and family than I was. I am really not sure.
Whatever it is, the "new me" is demanding in a way that has impacted several relationships in my life. Some of the people that I expected to be the most supportive people in my life, have actually been the least supportive. Now, I won't mention any names on this blog, but I have already written about my mother and how that relationship has changed. And there are others. Some are other family, and some are friends.
I have a few people in my life who are on the heavy side, who have essentially ignored me since I have lost my weight. And these are people who I used to be very close with. Maybe they are uncertain as to how to approach the topic, or maybe they are uncomfortable because I am now smaller than them. I really don't know. I like to think that I can have conversations about weight-neutral topics, but starting those conversations seems to be the tricky part. I do remember what it was like to be overweight though, and I don't judge others. If anything, I probably understand the insecure thoughts in their heads more than most people. But by the same token, I don't want to force a conversation either. I never want to have someone view me as the "look what I did but you haven't done" kind of guy. It is not who I am. I just hope that these people remember who I was, because that part of me hasn't changed and I hope it never will.
Most people treat me exactly the same way as they did before. Now, that can be either a great thing or a bad thing. I have some wonderful friends, who treated me with love and respect before my weight loss... well, maybe not respect, but very much so with the love! Anyway, most of those friends have not changed how we have interacted since I have dropped the pounds, and for that I am grateful! And the ones who treated me poorly before my weight loss, are slowly being purged from my life. And you know what, when this purging happens, it is no big loss for me! I realize how they treated me before, and I have chosen to make a positive change in my life.
I have been blessed, though, with a new and growing list of supportive people in my life. Some I have met through the weight-loss surgery, while others through various other parts of my life. In many of them, I have found a level of support and friendship that I never expected, and am so grateful for it! I have decided that through this journey that I am traveling, I will keep my heart and mind open to new people. As Will Rogers once said, "A stranger is just a friend I haven't met yet."
And then there is the most painful group of people for me... those who I expected to be fully supportive, but rather have turned into negative influences in my life. I have to say that my mother is a prime example of this, but not the only one. There are other family members, and a few friends, who could slide into this category as well. With these folks, just ending a relationship is not an easy thing to do. I agonized over what I did with my mother, but in the end, I know I did the right thing. For each person in this list, ending that relationship would cause untold upheaval in my life and in some cases the lives of others. Using the example of my mother again, several other people in my life used the occasion of a run I had last weekend to try and guilt me into rekindling the relationship with my mom. I found their efforts, while probably well-intentioned, self-serving and offensive. But I know that the choice I made has impacted my kids, among others. It wasn't an easy choice, but I believe a necessary one.
One example I can use is my run. All of my family is well-aware of what I am doing. They know what I have accomplished to get where I am physically. They should be able to appreciate the great cause that I am running for... but to date I have had two donations from my family. Now, in fairness, I have over a month until my half-marathon, and I am pretty sure most of them will step up and support me. However, when my wife told me today that some family members have not decided whether to support me, because they are angry at me because decisions I have made about my commitment to running, I almost fell over! Apparently my decisions about living a healthier lifestyle has inconvenienced some of my family. Wow. This is my big decision... do I break ties with more family members over this sort of thing? Obviously this too would impact my kids and others, but I am stunned that people who I counted on to be supportive forces in my life, have become so openly destructive toward my success. This is a painful process for me to go through, but I have started to forge my way through it. How it all ends up I have no idea. All I know is that I have to keep focusing on the positive, and wherever possible, purge the negative.
* Man cannot live on protein bars alone. Way too much gas...
* Running is not as painful after you lose 183 pounds. I can't say that I have had no discomfort, however. As strange as it sounds, the nipples on my moobs get very sore and ultra-sensitive. I suppose this is from the salt in my sweat. No pain, no gain I suppose! I guess my left knee is slightly sore as well. But none of this is enough to slow me down.
* I made a wicked sugar-free blueberry cinnamon compote the other day. It was very simple. In a 3/4 hot pan, I combined about 2 pints of blueberries with 2 tablespoons of Smuckers sugar-free grape jam. I stirred until the jam was completely mixed in with the blueberries. Then, I added about a teaspoon of lemon juice to the mix, as well as 2 tablespoons of ground cinnamon. I cooked, stirring, for a few minutes, until the blueberries started to break down a bit.
My kids had this over vanilla ice cream, while I have added a teaspoon to Greek Yogurt for a delicious addition! I am glad I tried this, because I think when berries go out of season, and I need to rely on frozen berries, this will be an amazing alternative. Plus, the cinnamon gives the concoction a buttery flavor that I absolutely love! Enjoy!
* The BoDeans and the Del Fuegos have some really good songs to put in a running playlist. I think I need to focus on music and running on an upcoming blog post.
* Running does have many side effects. I have incredible levels of energy and stamina, my core muscles are becoming developed as never before, and I always feel a great sense of accomplishment whenever I run. There is one side effect, as I have discovered, that is not so pleasant. While it has not impacted me during my runs, it has shortened a couple of my longer runs. Runs... haha... get it? No? Click the link... http://www.10k-running.com/1/post/2010/03/is-running-a-natural-laxative.html
* During my weight-loss journey, some days are better than others. Today fell into that "others" category. One thing I have discovered is that as you physically change, people around you change as well, in the way they view you and treat you. I was always known as "that happy fat guy". Now that I have lost all my weight, I don't think that I am putting up with as much crap in my life. Maybe this is because my confidence level is much higher, or maybe I am just more aware of how I interact with my friends and family than I was. I am really not sure.
Whatever it is, the "new me" is demanding in a way that has impacted several relationships in my life. Some of the people that I expected to be the most supportive people in my life, have actually been the least supportive. Now, I won't mention any names on this blog, but I have already written about my mother and how that relationship has changed. And there are others. Some are other family, and some are friends.
I have a few people in my life who are on the heavy side, who have essentially ignored me since I have lost my weight. And these are people who I used to be very close with. Maybe they are uncertain as to how to approach the topic, or maybe they are uncomfortable because I am now smaller than them. I really don't know. I like to think that I can have conversations about weight-neutral topics, but starting those conversations seems to be the tricky part. I do remember what it was like to be overweight though, and I don't judge others. If anything, I probably understand the insecure thoughts in their heads more than most people. But by the same token, I don't want to force a conversation either. I never want to have someone view me as the "look what I did but you haven't done" kind of guy. It is not who I am. I just hope that these people remember who I was, because that part of me hasn't changed and I hope it never will.
Most people treat me exactly the same way as they did before. Now, that can be either a great thing or a bad thing. I have some wonderful friends, who treated me with love and respect before my weight loss... well, maybe not respect, but very much so with the love! Anyway, most of those friends have not changed how we have interacted since I have dropped the pounds, and for that I am grateful! And the ones who treated me poorly before my weight loss, are slowly being purged from my life. And you know what, when this purging happens, it is no big loss for me! I realize how they treated me before, and I have chosen to make a positive change in my life.
I have been blessed, though, with a new and growing list of supportive people in my life. Some I have met through the weight-loss surgery, while others through various other parts of my life. In many of them, I have found a level of support and friendship that I never expected, and am so grateful for it! I have decided that through this journey that I am traveling, I will keep my heart and mind open to new people. As Will Rogers once said, "A stranger is just a friend I haven't met yet."
And then there is the most painful group of people for me... those who I expected to be fully supportive, but rather have turned into negative influences in my life. I have to say that my mother is a prime example of this, but not the only one. There are other family members, and a few friends, who could slide into this category as well. With these folks, just ending a relationship is not an easy thing to do. I agonized over what I did with my mother, but in the end, I know I did the right thing. For each person in this list, ending that relationship would cause untold upheaval in my life and in some cases the lives of others. Using the example of my mother again, several other people in my life used the occasion of a run I had last weekend to try and guilt me into rekindling the relationship with my mom. I found their efforts, while probably well-intentioned, self-serving and offensive. But I know that the choice I made has impacted my kids, among others. It wasn't an easy choice, but I believe a necessary one.
One example I can use is my run. All of my family is well-aware of what I am doing. They know what I have accomplished to get where I am physically. They should be able to appreciate the great cause that I am running for... but to date I have had two donations from my family. Now, in fairness, I have over a month until my half-marathon, and I am pretty sure most of them will step up and support me. However, when my wife told me today that some family members have not decided whether to support me, because they are angry at me because decisions I have made about my commitment to running, I almost fell over! Apparently my decisions about living a healthier lifestyle has inconvenienced some of my family. Wow. This is my big decision... do I break ties with more family members over this sort of thing? Obviously this too would impact my kids and others, but I am stunned that people who I counted on to be supportive forces in my life, have become so openly destructive toward my success. This is a painful process for me to go through, but I have started to forge my way through it. How it all ends up I have no idea. All I know is that I have to keep focusing on the positive, and wherever possible, purge the negative.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Training in the dog days
As a teacher, summer for me is a time for self-reflection and relaxation with my family (although I did just complete a book study for my school district, so I haven't been completely on vacation). This summer, though, I have had another goal, which I wrote about in a prior post. In less than 7 weeks, I am going to be running the Smuttynose Rockfest Half Marathon. That may seem like quite a bit of time to train. And for most people, it would be. However, considering that less than 18 months ago, I was as out of shape as a person could be: 389 pounds, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, and on the verge of type 2 diabetes, I still have quite a bit of work to do.
So this summer, while not in school on a daily basis, I have doubled up on my commitment to exercising and training regularly. I have run several races, including the Warrior dash, a 4-mile race, a 5-mile race, and several 5K races (my family even ran one with me a couple of weeks ago!). And I have a bunch more planned before the race, including the 5-mile Bobby Doyle Summer Classic this Saturday evening in Narragansett, RI.
But my training regimen has been focused on the half-marathon in October. I have been following a half-marathon training plan, through the website active.com, and although I haven't signed in every day to log my progress, I have gotten their daily email reminders and have stayed pretty true to the plan. The training generally consists of a variety of runs, mostly for a specific time period, with some cross training mixed in.
For the most part, this hasn't been too difficult for me to follow. One thing I have had is time. So, on particularly hot days, I could run in the early morning, and still log my workout for the day. One weekend in particular about a month ago, I ran two races on back-to-back days while headed to my family reunion in Delaware. Both races had temperatures that approached 90 degrees, and for the first time, by the second race, which was a 5-mile run, had me feeling like this was too steep a task for me to complete.
When I got home from Delaware a few weeks ago, I had an offer by a friend of mine to come work out with him in Worcester. So, for the past 2 weeks, I have taken advantage of a free trial membership to a 24-hour fitness club with state of the art equipment. In that time, I have probably used the facility close to 10 times, doing most of my runs on the treadmill. I have also used many of the weight machines that I have never used before, adding that to my runs a few times a week as well. I even did my two longest individual runs while on the treadmill there, last week running 9.24 miles, and this week totaling 7.67 miles. I am within only 4 miles of my goal!
But I know that those last 4 miles will not come easy.
School is starting up again soon, and I have already had a glimpse of my kids' schedules. Running will be tough to fit in, as it was last spring. So now I need to figure out what works best for me. Will I be able to keep working out in Worcester? Certainly not as often as I have been. The good points about working out in this club are the quality of the equipment, the motivational group of people who I know there, and the controlled atmosphere that a club offers. The bad points are the cost and the location. I am tempted to take the cost factor out of this, because I have an insurance benefit that will cover a healthy chunk of the cost. I could look into clubs closer to home as well. That certainly would be more convenient. However, I will lose the group that have been helping to motivate me to work harder. I am honestly not sure what I am going to do. One thing I do know, however, is that I need to keep running.
The bottom line here, is that this run, while very satisfying to me for what I have accomplished so far, and what I will accomplish, is about something much more important than me. This run is about raising money for Children's Hospital Boston. I have set a goal of raising $5000.00 for this unbelievably worthy facility. As of the writing of this blog post, my total is only $590.00 raised, which is just over 10% where I need to be. And that is another reason why less than 7 weeks seems like very little time- I want so badly to meet this goal! And that is why I need everyone's help.
I know full well how tough this economy is. Unemployment is up, gas and grocery prices are sky-high, and uncertainty is through the roof. But the reality is that kids are still getting sick, and still are needing the highest level of care that Children's Hospital provides. So I am asking- no, pleading- any amount that you can spare will be a huge boost to my fundraising effort. No amount is too small!
I would also encourage all of you to pass my fundraiser on to your friends. Tell them the stories of Allie and Charlie, tell them how great Children's Hospital Boston is, and tell them my story. Post a link on your Facebook page, tell your co-workers, and hit up your families. Let's get behind this and help me meet the goal of raising $5000 for Children's Hospital!
If you are interested in helping me, the following link will take you directly to my Children's fundraising page. Click here to donate to my run for Children's Hospital Boston in honor of Allie and Charlie!
Thank you all for your support of this wonderful organization, these two great kids, and of my continued good health!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
The purging of the non-supportive...
One thing that I have realized over the past months of my weight loss journey is how truly alone I am in all of this. And I don't say that as a means of bashing any friends. Quite the contrary, I have found support in so many people and in so many ways, that I often feel overwhelmed, yet always grateful to have all of you in my life. I am referring, rather, to the daily decisions that I have to make to ensure long-term success in maintaining my weight-loss.
There is nobody else except for me to remind me what foods I should and shouldn't be eating, and how much is appropriate. There is nobody else who is there to make sure that my daily intake of protein is sufficient. There is nobody else who is there in my life to ensure that I stay sufficiently hydrated. There is nobody to remind me that I need to go run, or exercise in general. There is nobody in my life to make sure that I have taken my daily vitamin supplements. There is nobody in my life to encourage me to push me to the next level. I do all of these things completely on my own, and frankly, it is a very lonely feeling.
Please don't misunderstand me, I don't want to sound like I an whining. I just think that every person should have a few very supportive and understanding people in their life. When in our lives it becomes crystal clear that some people aren't being supportive, but rather, are choosing to be a destructive force, sometimes the only solution is to purge that force out of our lives.
In my case, I am referring to my mother.
Now, many of you know and like my mother, and that is fine. This is strictly about her relationship with me, and I don't ever want what I am writing on my blog to impact how anyone else feels about the woman. However, I have recently had to fire her from the position of being my mom, and that saddens me deeply. It was something that needed to be be done though, and so I did it.
There were many reasons why I did this, but I will focus on the areas that have occurred since the time of my surgery. When I had my surgery in March of 2010, I chose not to tell my mother until literally the last minutes before my operation, and I only told her after my wife begged me to do so. I knew then that I would not get the support that I wanted and needed from her, so I decided to exclude her from the decision making process.
After the surgery occurred, I ended up in the intensive care unit for about 5 days with an internal bleed. During that time, I was visited by my wife, neighbors, friends, and co-workers. Funny, though... even with my mom being an hour away from the hospital, there was no visit by either her or my brother during my ICU stay. My wife later told me that my mom’s response was, "I would rather see him when he is well." Well no shit! I would rather look in the mirror and see a healthy me as well!
And that, my friends, was just phase one.
My mom's oldest sister makes a German coffeecake called streuselkuchen, which is by far the most amazing baked good I have EVER tried. Any time I would visit her in Delaware, she would always bake one for me, and it was pure bliss. My mother never baked this recipe for me, however. Never. That is, of course, until last summer, which was AFTER my weight-loss surgery. She claimed that she was baking for my kids, but of course she made sure to ask me if I wanted some. She has also come to my house on multiple other occasions to bake cookies and brownies with my kids, always checking if I want some. Can you say torpedo?
As far as my exercise regimen goes, my mother has been a negative force as well. Every time that I have told her that I am planning to try and accomplish a new goal, her standard response is, “I think you are doing too much.” She has never encouraged me to try and do more, or even to ask what I am doing to support my weight loss in terms of exercise. A few months ago, she actually looked at me and said, “Your face is looking drawn in. You need to stop losing weight.”
There are other, non weight-loss related issues as to why I am making this decision. Chief among them is the belief of my mother that I have an abusive personality. Yeah, I don’t get that either. She has repeatedly told me in the past that my father was a very abusive person, and I do agree with certain aspects of that statement. He was my dad however, and I had a different relationship with him, so I may not have seen the extent of his abusive nature. So I am willing to let my mother make those statements about my dad. When however, she turns to me, and says that I am becoming more like my father all the time (she has said this on multiple occasions), I have to draw the line. While I realize that I am not always the most pleasant of people to be around, I have never been abusive toward anyone in my life. In fact, I have been a strong and supportive person to my mom in her life as she has battled a myriad of medical issues through the years.
I honestly feel guilty about writing all of this on my blog. I have tried repeatedly to have a positive relationship with my mom, only to be spurned every time I try. This is not an easy thing for me to be doing. I am struggling with this decision even as I type this, but I know in my heart it is for the best.
And yes, I often do get sarcastic in response to my mother’s antics and comments. But still, I always end up giving in, being the bigger person, and maintaining a relationship with the woman, if for no other reason than for my kids. I want them to know the woman that I knew when I was a child. Unfortunately, that woman no longer exists in my world. Kathleen has expressed concern about our kids, and I have told her that she is welcome to maintain a relationship with my mom, and is welcome to include my kids in that, but that I will not be a part of it.
So to quote Donald Trump, “Mom, you’re fired!”
My world needs to be filled with positive people from this point forward. I have to purge as much negativity from my world as possible, even though I know that means that some of the existing relationships in my life will be at least changed, if not severed. This seems like it will clearly be the most painful aspect of my weight-loss journey, but it must be done for me to achieve my goals of an overall better life. On my end, I intend to do everything possible to be a positive energy source to all the people in my life- family, friends, relatives, students, and co-workers.
There is nobody else except for me to remind me what foods I should and shouldn't be eating, and how much is appropriate. There is nobody else who is there to make sure that my daily intake of protein is sufficient. There is nobody else who is there in my life to ensure that I stay sufficiently hydrated. There is nobody to remind me that I need to go run, or exercise in general. There is nobody in my life to make sure that I have taken my daily vitamin supplements. There is nobody in my life to encourage me to push me to the next level. I do all of these things completely on my own, and frankly, it is a very lonely feeling.
Please don't misunderstand me, I don't want to sound like I an whining. I just think that every person should have a few very supportive and understanding people in their life. When in our lives it becomes crystal clear that some people aren't being supportive, but rather, are choosing to be a destructive force, sometimes the only solution is to purge that force out of our lives.
In my case, I am referring to my mother.
Now, many of you know and like my mother, and that is fine. This is strictly about her relationship with me, and I don't ever want what I am writing on my blog to impact how anyone else feels about the woman. However, I have recently had to fire her from the position of being my mom, and that saddens me deeply. It was something that needed to be be done though, and so I did it.
There were many reasons why I did this, but I will focus on the areas that have occurred since the time of my surgery. When I had my surgery in March of 2010, I chose not to tell my mother until literally the last minutes before my operation, and I only told her after my wife begged me to do so. I knew then that I would not get the support that I wanted and needed from her, so I decided to exclude her from the decision making process.
After the surgery occurred, I ended up in the intensive care unit for about 5 days with an internal bleed. During that time, I was visited by my wife, neighbors, friends, and co-workers. Funny, though... even with my mom being an hour away from the hospital, there was no visit by either her or my brother during my ICU stay. My wife later told me that my mom’s response was, "I would rather see him when he is well." Well no shit! I would rather look in the mirror and see a healthy me as well!
And that, my friends, was just phase one.
My mom's oldest sister makes a German coffeecake called streuselkuchen, which is by far the most amazing baked good I have EVER tried. Any time I would visit her in Delaware, she would always bake one for me, and it was pure bliss. My mother never baked this recipe for me, however. Never. That is, of course, until last summer, which was AFTER my weight-loss surgery. She claimed that she was baking for my kids, but of course she made sure to ask me if I wanted some. She has also come to my house on multiple other occasions to bake cookies and brownies with my kids, always checking if I want some. Can you say torpedo?
As far as my exercise regimen goes, my mother has been a negative force as well. Every time that I have told her that I am planning to try and accomplish a new goal, her standard response is, “I think you are doing too much.” She has never encouraged me to try and do more, or even to ask what I am doing to support my weight loss in terms of exercise. A few months ago, she actually looked at me and said, “Your face is looking drawn in. You need to stop losing weight.”
There are other, non weight-loss related issues as to why I am making this decision. Chief among them is the belief of my mother that I have an abusive personality. Yeah, I don’t get that either. She has repeatedly told me in the past that my father was a very abusive person, and I do agree with certain aspects of that statement. He was my dad however, and I had a different relationship with him, so I may not have seen the extent of his abusive nature. So I am willing to let my mother make those statements about my dad. When however, she turns to me, and says that I am becoming more like my father all the time (she has said this on multiple occasions), I have to draw the line. While I realize that I am not always the most pleasant of people to be around, I have never been abusive toward anyone in my life. In fact, I have been a strong and supportive person to my mom in her life as she has battled a myriad of medical issues through the years.
I honestly feel guilty about writing all of this on my blog. I have tried repeatedly to have a positive relationship with my mom, only to be spurned every time I try. This is not an easy thing for me to be doing. I am struggling with this decision even as I type this, but I know in my heart it is for the best.
And yes, I often do get sarcastic in response to my mother’s antics and comments. But still, I always end up giving in, being the bigger person, and maintaining a relationship with the woman, if for no other reason than for my kids. I want them to know the woman that I knew when I was a child. Unfortunately, that woman no longer exists in my world. Kathleen has expressed concern about our kids, and I have told her that she is welcome to maintain a relationship with my mom, and is welcome to include my kids in that, but that I will not be a part of it.
So to quote Donald Trump, “Mom, you’re fired!”
My world needs to be filled with positive people from this point forward. I have to purge as much negativity from my world as possible, even though I know that means that some of the existing relationships in my life will be at least changed, if not severed. This seems like it will clearly be the most painful aspect of my weight-loss journey, but it must be done for me to achieve my goals of an overall better life. On my end, I intend to do everything possible to be a positive energy source to all the people in my life- family, friends, relatives, students, and co-workers.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Please support my run for Children's Hospital Boston in honor of Allie and Charlie
On October 2nd, I will be running a half marathon to raise money for Children's Hospital in Boston in honor of the two very special girls pictured above, Allison Guthrie and Charlize Reith. Both Allie and Charlie have made a profound and lasting difference in my life, and Children's Hospital has made a profound and lasting difference in their lives. Both girls have very different stories and very different outcomes, but in each case, Allie and Charlie have managed to touch the lives of me, and of so many around them in ways they will never know.
Allie is my daughter Maggie's best friend. More than that, though, she has been a fixture at my house for as long as I can remember. She is like a daughter to me. I remember vividly when, as a 3-year old little girl, she went from a seemingly healthy state to being at the top of the heart transplant list. Wow. I wasn't even family, but we shed many tears and said many prayers for the Guthries and for Allie. Her life was in the hands of Children's Hospital Boston. I remember the day that they found a donor- what mixed emotions. We were thrilled beyond belief that Allie's life was in the process of being saved, but at the same time, we know that a donated heart meant that somewhere a family lost their child. CHB saved Allie's life. They gave her a new heart, and now, through regular checkups at Children's, the little spitfire of a girl who Maggie calls her best friend will be hanging around my house for many years to come!
Charlie's story is one that is much more heartbreaking, yet equally inspirational. Charlie condition was the direct result of what happened to her at her birth by the doctors at a Worcester hospital. While fully dependent on her mom for everything, Charlie is a gorgeous child who regularly lights up whatever room she is in with her big and bright smile! I met her mother, Meridyth, while preparing to have my surgery about a year and a half ago. After I got to know Meri, it became clear that she is one of the strongest people I have ever known. She not only regularly takes Charlie to Children's for all her care, but she made the decision to also have the same surgery I did, so that she would be better able to take care of her little girl. And when she goes to CHB with Charlie, the news is often heart wrenching. However, the care she receives each time at Children's is second to none. The sole focus of the team of doctors is on the best care possible for Charlie. Charlie's life, and the lives of her family, have directly been made better as a result of Children's Hospital Boston.
As for me, I can honestly say that I never thought that I would be able to run a half marathon. I never thought I would even be able to run a mile! After all, I had been extremely obese for most of my life, weighing as much as 389 pounds. Since I have been able to shed the excess weight, I have been setting exercise goals. And so far, I have slowly met each one of my goals. First, I wanted to be able to walk a mile, then two, then three. Next, I slowly integrated short runs in with my walks. First, I ran 1/8 of a mile for a week or so. Then, I upped that to 1/4 of a mile, then 3/8 of a mile, and so on. From there, I set a goal to run a 5K race, which is about 3.1 miles. Since then, I have been running longer distances, and am now up to about 7 miles as my long run. I have about 2 months to train to increase that distance to 13.1 miles, which will be what I run on October 2nd at the Smuttynose Rockfest Half Marathon in Hampton, NH. But at this point, I know I will be able to handle the physical aspect of this run. So for me, this goal has to be more than just a physical achievement. I need to use this goal to make a bigger difference. So I was thinking of how I could make that difference, and the answer seemed obvious. By supporting my run, and helping me achieve my goal of raising at least $5000.00 for Children's Hospital Boston, you can help me make a difference in the lives of kids just like Allie and Charlie. I am blessed in my life that my kids have never had to need the services of CHB, and I know how lucky I am. For the sake of Allie, Charlie, and other families that need the services of Children's, please consider making a difference and supporting my run.
I have posted a link below to the page at the Children's Hospital Boston web site where you can donate to support my run for CHB in honor of Allie and Charlie. I also copied more details of each of their stories, as told by their moms, below.
Thanks in advance for all of your support!
George
Why I'm hosting a fundraiser for Children's Hospital Boston!
I am hosting a fundraiser to benefit Children's Hospital Boston because I want every kid to have the best care possible. If anyplace can make that happen, it's Children's Hospital Boston. Children's has been nationally ranked as one of the best pediatric hospitals for almost two decades. They care for more than 500,000 patients every year – many with health problems no other hospital in the world can handle. Every day, the doctors and nurses at Children's combine courage, creativity and compassion to provide life-changing care.More specifically though, I am running for Children's because of two incredibly special girls in my life, Allison Guthrie and Charlize Reith. Below is a very brief summary of their stories as told by their parents. Both girls have made a deep and lasting impact on my life, which would not have been possible without the amazing people at Children's Hospital Boston.
Allie's Story:
Allison was diagnosed at age 3 years 11 months with severe restrictive cardiomyopathy. This is a very rare form of cardiomyopathy for a child. Of the 250,000 cases of pediatric cardiomyopathy reported annually, ONE will have this form. We were later told that that "one" case (statistically) was usually diagnosed post mortem. The only cure for this condition is a heart transplant.
Allison was hospitalized April 1, 2005. She was admitted to the Cardiac ICU at Children's Hospital Boston on April 2, 2005. She was listed with UNOS for a heart, status 1A, on April 7, 2005. She had only missed one gymnastics class, where she had been going weekly. She was released from the ICU to the Cardiac wing of the hospital on April 10, 2005. She was on 3 intravenous medications and her fluid intake was severely restricted to 1200 mL/day in order to maximize her heart's limited capacity and still allow her the most activity. She celebrated her 4th birthday at the Hospital on April 17, 2005. We had ice cream cake and she got a leap pad for her birthday present...a hand held toy for little kids. She also got play doh and lots of barrettes.
She received her heart on April 26, 2005. That phone call at 4am is one I will never, ever forget. Later, the surgeons and her cardiologist said her little heart was a fraction of the size it should have been. They were amazed at how active she was with her heart working so hard to accomplish so little.
She was allowed to wake on April 29, 2005 and soon after released to the regular cardiac floor from the ICU where she had been since her operation.
Allison was released from the hospital on May 9, 2005 to come home, after only 38 days total in the hospital.
Her little sister Lindsey was born via c-section on Friday, May 13, 2005.
Allison has been extremely healthy and we fully credit the amazing staff and doctors at Children's Hospital Boston for her progress and growth. She is a normal 10 year old, who is funny, silly, loud, outrageous, bright and sensitive.
Her heart has since been tested in a huge number of ways, and we go every 3 months to CHB for routine tests and evaluations to rule out any rejection or early signs of disease. She will take medicine twice a day for the rest of her life to prevent organ rejection. Children's is at the forefront of antirejection therapy and they continue to evaluate the latest medicines and procedures to apply to our lives and maximize Allison's life at the same time the minimize her life as a "transplant patient."
Charlie's Story:
When she was stuck in my birth canal for 27+ hours, she was gone. Her body would function like a child forever. She will never experience falling in love. She will never get married and have children of her own. She will never truly know how much her Mommy loves her. She will never know. Period. Yes, you might tell me that she 'knows' who I am, but I am a realist and I listened to the doctors at Children's Hospital Boston and they look at the medical facts. She has no brain. Her brain was pure fluid by the time she turned one. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. Charlie Girl and I had a sleep over at a friends house and we went into Boston for the day. We went to the Museum of Natural Science to see the Butterfly Exhibit. That was truly fascinating. Butterflies just flew over to Charlie and sat on her. Her being so still, we were able to capture many photos that day. She looked so precious in her little dress, all in blue, looking so sweet and innocent. My baby girl...
Strong for me meant and means I would handle EVERY Children's Hospital Boston visit, appointment or ER run. I would handle all of her medical issues (she has at least 20 doctors)and make myself known to the staff there at Children's. Although I lose grip of my emotions once in a great while when I am there with her for weeks at a time, I do what I need to do for Charlie! Always will. Although the expenses for such acts are quite costly, she is worth every penny, every dollar, every struggle I have. This struggle continues into the present day. I am her primary caregiver, and I would not have it Any other way! I feel at home when we go to Children's. You don't have people staring at your child because they are there for the same reason- to help their child! People might look at Charlie and not realize that anything is wrong, because by the looks of her, she is "normal". She is not the way she is due to a genetic disorder or a virus. She's like this due to a mistake made when she was born. She has the most amazing smile and her eyes sparkle. All of her organs are functioning like that of a normal child. She is legally blind. She has almost no hearing capabilities left. She has been through so much in her young life.
In 2008, she underwent one of the most critical surgeries to date. She had double hip surgery. She suffered from hip displasia which commonly affects children's whom suffer from Cerebral Palsy. While she does not have C.P., she has many of the symptoms of the disease, one of which does not allow her to walk. Hence, she does not bear any weight on her hip bones so they never develop a hood and socket. I waited 10 hours to hear the words from the exhausted surgeon "Everything went great!" I cried in relief. She celebrated her 5th Birthday in the hospital and they made her a cake and brought her little presents. Unfortunately, the worst was to come. She had, in fact, contracted MRSA and pneumonia while under anesthesia. She was put on serious antibiotics, precautionary status and double-barrel oxygen for days. I do not know how she managed to overcome two of the deadliest killers out there, but she did. I thought I was going to lose her. Her legs have been amazing since then and continue to get better to this day. And the MRSA is gone!
In December of 2008, Charlie's brother Kenny came into this world at 5lbs 13oz. He was just a little guy (since he was about a month early and not fully grown into his skin) and we just adore him and all his glory! He is the sweetest little boy and I am so amazed at how he is with Charlie! He is a wonderful and loving brother!
Through everything, our family has always been able to rely on the amazing doctors, nurses, and staff at Children's Hospital Boston. There will never be a way to adequately thank them for the professional and caring way they have treated both Charlie, but also her family and friends. Children's Hospital Boston will always hold a very special place in my heart.
I could tell other stories as well. Two grown friends of mine, Darren Chisnell and Dana Cook, both had heart surgeries at Children's during their early years. Children's Hospital Boston is simply one of those rare places that makes a huge difference in so many lives every day.
I hope you will consider supporting this fundraising effort and the kids at Children's.
Thank you!
Monday, July 18, 2011
The B's and the Big Man... my reflections on two champions!
During the past several weeks, there were two newsworthy events, one joyously happy and the other very sad, that have had a personal impact on me. While neither is breaking news, I did want to use this post to get some of my thoughts about these events down into words...
1.) The Bruins win the Stanley Cup!!!
I grew up with hockey in my blood. I was too young to remember the 1972 Bruins team, which was their last squad to raise the blessed Cup. My early memories of my father clearly include my father and his passion for hockey. The NHL playoffs were like a high holy holiday in our house. I remember an extremely passionate home... yelling, cheering, swearing. As a child, it was electric! I played street hockey all the time. While in the 5th grade, one of my closest lifelong friends, Jack, by accident, knocked out a front permanent tooth during one of our daily street hockey events. This led to several surgeries and a variety of forms of fake teeth which lasted right up until just before my wedding in 1993, when I had a permanent solution finally implemented. While I wore the gap in my mouth as a badge of honor, there was also an aspect of it that added to some of my insecurities while growing up.
When my family moved from New Jersey to Rhode Island when I was in the 6th grade, I decided to start playing ice hockey. I was never much of a skater, but as a big kid, I became a pretty good goal scorer by planting myself in front of the other team's net, and waiting for my wingers to feed the puck to me, so I could plant it in the back of the net. I studied the strategy of hockey. I remember watching Bruin's games on channel 38, before we had cable, and constantly adjusting the rabbit ears to tune in the games. I was able to follow the puck though the TV was covered with snowy reception. Through playing hockey and watching hockey, I began to know hockey and love hockey.
The Bruins always seemed to have a good team. Year after year, I always had hope that their toughness would be enough to push them over the top and win a Cup. It was obviously not to be though. Through the years of O'Reilly, Milbury, Bourque, Neely, Moog, Oates, Janney, etc..., I always believed, and was always crushed year after year. In the early 90's, when I lived in Chicago, I split Blackhawk season tickets with some guys I knew through work, just so I could go to the Bruin's games when they came to town. When we moved back to Massachusetts in 1993, I began to look into season tickets for the Bruins, so that I could split them with some friends and enjoy my team on a more regular basis. I got my seats, nosebleed seats, but perfect for seeing a hockey game, and held onto them until the year after Karl was born. I saw so many great games during that span, despite the fact that the Bruins were generally a lousy team in most of the 90's. The past 10 or so years have been frustrating as a hockey fan. There was the work stoppage several years ago, that really left a sour taste in the fans of the game. But as a game, hockey is too good to be kept down for long!
For the Bruins, the last several years have once again brought that spring feeling of hope back in my life. My buddy Darren and I have been growing the playoff beards every year. Unfortunately though, the beards have been shaven far too early in each of the past few years. Once again, this year brought about that anticipation that makes hockey the greatest team sport on the planet. From day one, I knew that this team had talent. There were, however, some question marks. Last season ended with a horrible collapse against the Flyers, in which the Bruins blew a 3-0 series lead. It was a painful off-season for me. One other area of concern was the toughness of the Bruins. I remember watching a game a few days after my surgery last year, in which Mark Savard was brutally hit in the head. The most disturbing thing for me was watching the lack of a response by the Bruins team. Not standing up for a teammate does not generally make a good team.
But this was a new year, and with a few changes, I was confident that the toughness would return. And man, how correct I was! Through this entire year, I watched this Bruins team, led from start to finish by the amazing Tim Thomas in net, battle their way to a division title. Along the way, it became obvious that this team was not only talented, but also tough! Three regular season games jump out as standouts to me- one against Atlanta, one against Dallas, and one against Montreal. In all three, the Bruins played an old-time, tough, and skilled style of hockey- Bruin hockey! The Montreal game in particular was one of the most enjoyable sporting events that I have ever witnessed!
Then mid-April hit, my beard started growing, and the playoffs began! It amazed me how a team that has been virtually ignored for years, was suddenly the belle of the ball. The media and the region were talking hockey, and I loved it! Lucic, Bergeron, Recchi, Thomas, Krejci, Horton, Chara, Thornton, Marchand. These guys captured our imagination and hearts. First, they fought back against Montreal, being down 2-0, yet clawing back to win the series in 7. Then, they took a measure of revenge against the Flyers, sweeping them in 4 straight. I was lucky enough to have been there for the deciding game 4, and the Garden was nothing short of electric! Then they battled the talented and scrappy Tampa team, finally winning in 7. And on to the finals they went! Virtually nobody gave the Bruins a chance against the Canucks. And after they went down 2-0 in the series, it didn't look good. But they fought hard, and held at home in dominant fashion. Game 5 and 6 were splits, leaving the Bruins playing in Vancouver, one game, for the Stanley Cup! If they could play a tough style that had gotten them this far, they had a great shot at winning. And as fortune would have it, they did! The Bruins absolutely dominated the Canucks in game 7.
As the final seconds counted down, I became very emotional, thinking of my dad, and all the frustrating years that I had believed, only to have my hopes dashed. As a lifelong fan of hockey, this was the pinnacle. This made all those years of frustration and heartache worthwhile. Non-hockey fans won't get my level of emotion. After all, it is only a game, and I don't own the team or even work for the team. I know. But I have always had a high level of admiration for hockey players and their work ethic. As a kid, that was what I wanted to be. To be able to raise the cup above my head on the ice was a childhood dream. I never had the skill level to achieve that dream, so the next best thing was to root for my Bruins. It took many years, but it was so worth it!
One of the best things about this win for me was fact that my son enjoyed the win as much as I did! Throughout the playoffs, he made a deal with his mom- as long as he got up the next morning without an argument, he could stay up and watch the games. And he did. Every game! Watching Karl's enthusiasm for watching the Bruins was contagious. Every time the Bruins scored, Karl and I high-fived, and jumped around like little kids! A few days after they won, my family and I went to Boston with our great friends Mark and Julie, and a million other Bruins fans, to watch an amazing Duck Boat parade! Thanks to Mark and Julie, we ended up on the rail in Copley Plaza, and cheered our hearts out! It was so much fun for me, and hopefully, I am helping to build some positive memories of hockey for him.
2.) R.I.P. Big Man
Last August, Darren, Tony, and I spent the evening after our 25th high school reunion in Warwick, attending the Rock & Jock charity concert. Among the featured performers were John Cafferty & the Beaver Brown Band, the lead singers of Toto, Survivor, and Loverboy, and Steve Smith & the Nakeds, who featured one of my musical heroes, Big Man Clarence Clemons, on sax. We managed to get right to the front of the stage that evening, and thoroughly enjoyed watching and listening to Big C blow his magic on the sax.
During the set, the Big Man remained seated, and needed quite a bit of assistance getting on and off the stage. He was in obvious pain, but the level of professionalism shown was awesome. My particular favorites played that night were "Paradise by the C", "You're a Friend of Mine", and the Steve Smith classic "I'm Huge" (the actual video I recorded is below). It was a high energy set, and the crowd ate it all up! Clarence seemed sincerely touched by the love and enthusiasm shown by the crowd. After the show, he had his chair moved to the side of the stage, and took the time to individually meet anyone who wanted to meet him, taking pictures and signing autographs with everyone. Upon meeting him, I was struck that a man who had achieved all he had in his life, could still be so down to earth and decent. My only regret of that evening was that I hadn't brought my son with me, as Karl had chosen to play the saxophone in middle school after he had seen Clarence play live with Bruce Springsteen. Karl actually asked me, in a very respectful way, whether there was now an opening for a new sax player in the E Street Band. It made me smile! But despite that regret, I did get to meet this icon of music and culture, and it ranked as a huge thrill for me.
January 25, 1985. That was the first time. The beginning of a musical journey, and a start of the musical eye-opening of my soul. I went with Darren, Vickie, and Sue to see Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band live at the Providence Civic Center. We were high up in the building, on Clarence's side.The distance from the stage didn't matter in the least. For those four hours, I witnessed the best ever. I have seen hundreds of concerts over the years, and the E Street Band is far and away tops among them all! Not even close!
Over the next 25 or so years, I have managed to see Bruce Springsteen (mostly with the E Street Band) close to 30 times (sad, huh?). I figure that the average length of the shows I have seen is about 3 hours long. So, if you think about it, I have been in the same room as the Big Man for more than 3 whole days of my life. So I suppose it is natural that when I heard of the passing of Clarence, that I was very sad. I didn't know the man personally, but in a way it felt like I did. Clarence was always the loyal friend to Bruce. I related to Clarence because of his large stature, and because I always felt that, at least on stage, played the part of a good friend and a great person. That is what I always wanted to be. But as the years progressed, and Clarence's health woes increased, I also related to the fact that being older and big is not a good combination. And upon his passing, I was also painfully reminded of a quote that was said to me years ago by a close friend, "You don't see many old, fat people."
Every time I saw Clarence Clemons was a joyous occasion. A Bruce Springsteen concert for me is a celebration of life, of love, of friendship, and of music. I was able to get my son to 4 Springsteen shows with me, and even managed to get my daughter to one. They were immediately hooked. Who knows what the future of Bruce Springsteen's music will be. I have no doubt that the E Street Band will rise again, as it did after the passing of Danny Federici a few years ago. However, without the Big Man holding court each night stage right, it will never be the same. Clarence's passing is a reminder to me how important my friendships are in my life. Had I just gone to see these shows alone, it wouldn't have been the same. Thank you, Clarence, for reminding me how blessed I am in my life to have the friends I do, and how I need to rededicate myself to keeping those bonds strong.
I will always have his music to inspire me.
Rest in Peace, Big Man.
1.) The Bruins win the Stanley Cup!!!
I grew up with hockey in my blood. I was too young to remember the 1972 Bruins team, which was their last squad to raise the blessed Cup. My early memories of my father clearly include my father and his passion for hockey. The NHL playoffs were like a high holy holiday in our house. I remember an extremely passionate home... yelling, cheering, swearing. As a child, it was electric! I played street hockey all the time. While in the 5th grade, one of my closest lifelong friends, Jack, by accident, knocked out a front permanent tooth during one of our daily street hockey events. This led to several surgeries and a variety of forms of fake teeth which lasted right up until just before my wedding in 1993, when I had a permanent solution finally implemented. While I wore the gap in my mouth as a badge of honor, there was also an aspect of it that added to some of my insecurities while growing up.
When my family moved from New Jersey to Rhode Island when I was in the 6th grade, I decided to start playing ice hockey. I was never much of a skater, but as a big kid, I became a pretty good goal scorer by planting myself in front of the other team's net, and waiting for my wingers to feed the puck to me, so I could plant it in the back of the net. I studied the strategy of hockey. I remember watching Bruin's games on channel 38, before we had cable, and constantly adjusting the rabbit ears to tune in the games. I was able to follow the puck though the TV was covered with snowy reception. Through playing hockey and watching hockey, I began to know hockey and love hockey.
The Bruins always seemed to have a good team. Year after year, I always had hope that their toughness would be enough to push them over the top and win a Cup. It was obviously not to be though. Through the years of O'Reilly, Milbury, Bourque, Neely, Moog, Oates, Janney, etc..., I always believed, and was always crushed year after year. In the early 90's, when I lived in Chicago, I split Blackhawk season tickets with some guys I knew through work, just so I could go to the Bruin's games when they came to town. When we moved back to Massachusetts in 1993, I began to look into season tickets for the Bruins, so that I could split them with some friends and enjoy my team on a more regular basis. I got my seats, nosebleed seats, but perfect for seeing a hockey game, and held onto them until the year after Karl was born. I saw so many great games during that span, despite the fact that the Bruins were generally a lousy team in most of the 90's. The past 10 or so years have been frustrating as a hockey fan. There was the work stoppage several years ago, that really left a sour taste in the fans of the game. But as a game, hockey is too good to be kept down for long!
For the Bruins, the last several years have once again brought that spring feeling of hope back in my life. My buddy Darren and I have been growing the playoff beards every year. Unfortunately though, the beards have been shaven far too early in each of the past few years. Once again, this year brought about that anticipation that makes hockey the greatest team sport on the planet. From day one, I knew that this team had talent. There were, however, some question marks. Last season ended with a horrible collapse against the Flyers, in which the Bruins blew a 3-0 series lead. It was a painful off-season for me. One other area of concern was the toughness of the Bruins. I remember watching a game a few days after my surgery last year, in which Mark Savard was brutally hit in the head. The most disturbing thing for me was watching the lack of a response by the Bruins team. Not standing up for a teammate does not generally make a good team.
But this was a new year, and with a few changes, I was confident that the toughness would return. And man, how correct I was! Through this entire year, I watched this Bruins team, led from start to finish by the amazing Tim Thomas in net, battle their way to a division title. Along the way, it became obvious that this team was not only talented, but also tough! Three regular season games jump out as standouts to me- one against Atlanta, one against Dallas, and one against Montreal. In all three, the Bruins played an old-time, tough, and skilled style of hockey- Bruin hockey! The Montreal game in particular was one of the most enjoyable sporting events that I have ever witnessed!
Then mid-April hit, my beard started growing, and the playoffs began! It amazed me how a team that has been virtually ignored for years, was suddenly the belle of the ball. The media and the region were talking hockey, and I loved it! Lucic, Bergeron, Recchi, Thomas, Krejci, Horton, Chara, Thornton, Marchand. These guys captured our imagination and hearts. First, they fought back against Montreal, being down 2-0, yet clawing back to win the series in 7. Then, they took a measure of revenge against the Flyers, sweeping them in 4 straight. I was lucky enough to have been there for the deciding game 4, and the Garden was nothing short of electric! Then they battled the talented and scrappy Tampa team, finally winning in 7. And on to the finals they went! Virtually nobody gave the Bruins a chance against the Canucks. And after they went down 2-0 in the series, it didn't look good. But they fought hard, and held at home in dominant fashion. Game 5 and 6 were splits, leaving the Bruins playing in Vancouver, one game, for the Stanley Cup! If they could play a tough style that had gotten them this far, they had a great shot at winning. And as fortune would have it, they did! The Bruins absolutely dominated the Canucks in game 7.
As the final seconds counted down, I became very emotional, thinking of my dad, and all the frustrating years that I had believed, only to have my hopes dashed. As a lifelong fan of hockey, this was the pinnacle. This made all those years of frustration and heartache worthwhile. Non-hockey fans won't get my level of emotion. After all, it is only a game, and I don't own the team or even work for the team. I know. But I have always had a high level of admiration for hockey players and their work ethic. As a kid, that was what I wanted to be. To be able to raise the cup above my head on the ice was a childhood dream. I never had the skill level to achieve that dream, so the next best thing was to root for my Bruins. It took many years, but it was so worth it!
 |
| Here come the Cup! I was crying while taking this shot. |
 |
| Mark Recchi. One of my all-time hockey heroes. |
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| Karl and Maggie at the Championship parade |
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| Karl and I waiting for the Bruins on Duck Boats |
One of the best things about this win for me was fact that my son enjoyed the win as much as I did! Throughout the playoffs, he made a deal with his mom- as long as he got up the next morning without an argument, he could stay up and watch the games. And he did. Every game! Watching Karl's enthusiasm for watching the Bruins was contagious. Every time the Bruins scored, Karl and I high-fived, and jumped around like little kids! A few days after they won, my family and I went to Boston with our great friends Mark and Julie, and a million other Bruins fans, to watch an amazing Duck Boat parade! Thanks to Mark and Julie, we ended up on the rail in Copley Plaza, and cheered our hearts out! It was so much fun for me, and hopefully, I am helping to build some positive memories of hockey for him.
2.) R.I.P. Big Man
 |
| C doing what he did best |
 | |||
| D and C |
 |
| Me and C |
During the set, the Big Man remained seated, and needed quite a bit of assistance getting on and off the stage. He was in obvious pain, but the level of professionalism shown was awesome. My particular favorites played that night were "Paradise by the C", "You're a Friend of Mine", and the Steve Smith classic "I'm Huge" (the actual video I recorded is below). It was a high energy set, and the crowd ate it all up! Clarence seemed sincerely touched by the love and enthusiasm shown by the crowd. After the show, he had his chair moved to the side of the stage, and took the time to individually meet anyone who wanted to meet him, taking pictures and signing autographs with everyone. Upon meeting him, I was struck that a man who had achieved all he had in his life, could still be so down to earth and decent. My only regret of that evening was that I hadn't brought my son with me, as Karl had chosen to play the saxophone in middle school after he had seen Clarence play live with Bruce Springsteen. Karl actually asked me, in a very respectful way, whether there was now an opening for a new sax player in the E Street Band. It made me smile! But despite that regret, I did get to meet this icon of music and culture, and it ranked as a huge thrill for me.
January 25, 1985. That was the first time. The beginning of a musical journey, and a start of the musical eye-opening of my soul. I went with Darren, Vickie, and Sue to see Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band live at the Providence Civic Center. We were high up in the building, on Clarence's side.The distance from the stage didn't matter in the least. For those four hours, I witnessed the best ever. I have seen hundreds of concerts over the years, and the E Street Band is far and away tops among them all! Not even close!
Over the next 25 or so years, I have managed to see Bruce Springsteen (mostly with the E Street Band) close to 30 times (sad, huh?). I figure that the average length of the shows I have seen is about 3 hours long. So, if you think about it, I have been in the same room as the Big Man for more than 3 whole days of my life. So I suppose it is natural that when I heard of the passing of Clarence, that I was very sad. I didn't know the man personally, but in a way it felt like I did. Clarence was always the loyal friend to Bruce. I related to Clarence because of his large stature, and because I always felt that, at least on stage, played the part of a good friend and a great person. That is what I always wanted to be. But as the years progressed, and Clarence's health woes increased, I also related to the fact that being older and big is not a good combination. And upon his passing, I was also painfully reminded of a quote that was said to me years ago by a close friend, "You don't see many old, fat people."
Every time I saw Clarence Clemons was a joyous occasion. A Bruce Springsteen concert for me is a celebration of life, of love, of friendship, and of music. I was able to get my son to 4 Springsteen shows with me, and even managed to get my daughter to one. They were immediately hooked. Who knows what the future of Bruce Springsteen's music will be. I have no doubt that the E Street Band will rise again, as it did after the passing of Danny Federici a few years ago. However, without the Big Man holding court each night stage right, it will never be the same. Clarence's passing is a reminder to me how important my friendships are in my life. Had I just gone to see these shows alone, it wouldn't have been the same. Thank you, Clarence, for reminding me how blessed I am in my life to have the friends I do, and how I need to rededicate myself to keeping those bonds strong.
I will always have his music to inspire me.
Rest in Peace, Big Man.
Friday, July 15, 2011
I am still here!
Well, it has been a while since I have really focused on writing this blog, but now that we are in the midst of summer, I hope to have some additional time for putting my thoughts and reflections into words.
First, a bit of catching up...
As of last week, my weight has continued to creep down. I actually saw 206 lbs. on the scale, which has me down a total of 183 pounds! And while I am proud of those numbers, I need to remember that they are only that- numbers. More important is the pride I am feeling in some of the things that I have accomplished physically.
I have now completed several races. The 5K races were my first step, and I have completed a few of them (with another one tonight in Greenfield, NH).
On the 4th of July, I finished a 4-mile race in my hometown of Cumberland that I remember watching my friends run as a kid. That was a great experience, as it meant quite a bit to me having friends there to cheer me on! I have even run beyond a 10K length while training, which still seems unreal to me.
But the biggest race for me thus far has clearly been the Warrior Dash. For those who are unfamiliar with what this race entails, it is a 3-mile race through muddy trails that require the runners to complete about a dozen obstacles, such as a fire jump, a 20-25 foot wall climb, and a variety of rope climbs. Oh, and did I mention the mud? I have never seen so much mud in my freaking life! Most of the time the mud was ankle deep, but occasionally, it turned waist-deep! I ran this race with two close friends, Anthony and Meri, and I have to say that it was an absolute BLAST!
While the fire jump (also known as the Warrior Roast) sounds like it was the most difficult to complete, it actually was quite a bit of fun.
For me, the most difficult was the Warrior Wall. I hate heights. I never understood the need for humans to leave the safety of the ground. Even flying makes me uneasy, but that is an occasional necessity I suppose. So when I had to climb straight up over a mud-covered wall, with only mud-covered ropes to help me achieve this, I was in a near-vomit induced panic.
And then I looked over to my right, and realized that I was being filmed. Oh yeah, did I mention the camera crew that was following Meri and I around? Meri kind of got us involved in a reality show project called Big Dreams, which is sort of a celebration of things that people accomplish after massive weight loss. It is actually a very cool concept, and there are some extremely inspirational people that are involved with the project. Anyway, I decided that I had worked my ass off to get to this point, and that I needed to defeat the wall! So I did. It took me a while, but I did it! So in the end, it became official- I am a warrior!
Through it all, though, I was struck by how truly alone I am on this journey. My family was not able to be at either the Warrior Dash or my July 4th run in Cumberland, which was tough on me. I was painfully reminded that the reason that I have decided to have the surgery, work out regularly, and lose all the weight, was not for the approval and accolades of others, but so that the guy looking back at me in the mirror would be able to live a long life and make the biggest difference possible in this world. At times that is a tough lesson to learn, and I continue to struggle through aspects of it, but in the end the reward is so much better than what I had when I started.
So after my Arnold Mills July 4th run (and finishing repainting a bathroom in our home), I got in the car and drove 1000 miles to Chicago to pick up my wife and kids, who were visiting her family. While I was only out there for a few days, we did have a pleasant visit, and managed to even spend an evening with the kids in Milwaukee at Summerfest watching the Dropkick Murphys!! THAT was fun!
And while in the midwest, I did manage to even take advantage of the flat terrain and go for a few runs in the heat, including a 5.5 mile run from Kathleen's parents place in Wilmette, IL, through Evanston, and ending up at her sister's house in Skokie, IL. Over the past 20+ years, I must have driven that route hundreds of times, so to be able to run it was fun!
We left for home last Sunday morning, and I decided to make a last-minute unscheduled detour to further conquer my fear of heights. The Sears Tower recently constructed a glass-bottomed sky deck, which allows people to walk 4 feet out of the 103rd floor of the building, surrounded by nothing but a glass enclosure, including the floor! Yes, you look straight down 103 floors. As a person with a phobia of heights, I have mentioned more than once that anyone who decides to walk onto that ledge is pure f***ing nuts! So when I pulled up to the tower, my family looked at me as if I had lost my marbles. In a way, I have. But then again, I am not the same George I was even 6 months ago. So we waited in line, rode the elevator up, and approached the sky deck. I was breaking out in a cold sweat, my stomach was doing flips, and I was shaking. And to make things worse, my kids immediately embraced the situation- my son sat cross-legged on the glass deck, while my daughter did a back bend over the city of Chicago!
So I had no choice- I had to do it. I never did look down, but I walked onto the deck, had my picture taken, and then got to the elevator as quickly as humanly possible. I did it. I will never do it again, but I did it!
Being able to run, for me, cannot be the end, but rather a means to the end. I have learned to love running, and I anticipate that I will be running numerous races in my future. But in my heart, I want to channel that ability to run and be very active into something more positive. I want to be able to make a difference in the lives of my family, my friends, my students, and even people who I meet along this journey, as an example of how someone can positively change his life for the better. Who knows how successful I will be. All I know is that I have climbed the warrior wall and have stepped onto the glass ledge, so I know that all things in my life are possible.
First, a bit of catching up...
As of last week, my weight has continued to creep down. I actually saw 206 lbs. on the scale, which has me down a total of 183 pounds! And while I am proud of those numbers, I need to remember that they are only that- numbers. More important is the pride I am feeling in some of the things that I have accomplished physically.
I have now completed several races. The 5K races were my first step, and I have completed a few of them (with another one tonight in Greenfield, NH).
On the 4th of July, I finished a 4-mile race in my hometown of Cumberland that I remember watching my friends run as a kid. That was a great experience, as it meant quite a bit to me having friends there to cheer me on! I have even run beyond a 10K length while training, which still seems unreal to me.
But the biggest race for me thus far has clearly been the Warrior Dash. For those who are unfamiliar with what this race entails, it is a 3-mile race through muddy trails that require the runners to complete about a dozen obstacles, such as a fire jump, a 20-25 foot wall climb, and a variety of rope climbs. Oh, and did I mention the mud? I have never seen so much mud in my freaking life! Most of the time the mud was ankle deep, but occasionally, it turned waist-deep! I ran this race with two close friends, Anthony and Meri, and I have to say that it was an absolute BLAST!
While the fire jump (also known as the Warrior Roast) sounds like it was the most difficult to complete, it actually was quite a bit of fun.
For me, the most difficult was the Warrior Wall. I hate heights. I never understood the need for humans to leave the safety of the ground. Even flying makes me uneasy, but that is an occasional necessity I suppose. So when I had to climb straight up over a mud-covered wall, with only mud-covered ropes to help me achieve this, I was in a near-vomit induced panic.
And then I looked over to my right, and realized that I was being filmed. Oh yeah, did I mention the camera crew that was following Meri and I around? Meri kind of got us involved in a reality show project called Big Dreams, which is sort of a celebration of things that people accomplish after massive weight loss. It is actually a very cool concept, and there are some extremely inspirational people that are involved with the project. Anyway, I decided that I had worked my ass off to get to this point, and that I needed to defeat the wall! So I did. It took me a while, but I did it! So in the end, it became official- I am a warrior!
Through it all, though, I was struck by how truly alone I am on this journey. My family was not able to be at either the Warrior Dash or my July 4th run in Cumberland, which was tough on me. I was painfully reminded that the reason that I have decided to have the surgery, work out regularly, and lose all the weight, was not for the approval and accolades of others, but so that the guy looking back at me in the mirror would be able to live a long life and make the biggest difference possible in this world. At times that is a tough lesson to learn, and I continue to struggle through aspects of it, but in the end the reward is so much better than what I had when I started.
So after my Arnold Mills July 4th run (and finishing repainting a bathroom in our home), I got in the car and drove 1000 miles to Chicago to pick up my wife and kids, who were visiting her family. While I was only out there for a few days, we did have a pleasant visit, and managed to even spend an evening with the kids in Milwaukee at Summerfest watching the Dropkick Murphys!! THAT was fun!
And while in the midwest, I did manage to even take advantage of the flat terrain and go for a few runs in the heat, including a 5.5 mile run from Kathleen's parents place in Wilmette, IL, through Evanston, and ending up at her sister's house in Skokie, IL. Over the past 20+ years, I must have driven that route hundreds of times, so to be able to run it was fun!
We left for home last Sunday morning, and I decided to make a last-minute unscheduled detour to further conquer my fear of heights. The Sears Tower recently constructed a glass-bottomed sky deck, which allows people to walk 4 feet out of the 103rd floor of the building, surrounded by nothing but a glass enclosure, including the floor! Yes, you look straight down 103 floors. As a person with a phobia of heights, I have mentioned more than once that anyone who decides to walk onto that ledge is pure f***ing nuts! So when I pulled up to the tower, my family looked at me as if I had lost my marbles. In a way, I have. But then again, I am not the same George I was even 6 months ago. So we waited in line, rode the elevator up, and approached the sky deck. I was breaking out in a cold sweat, my stomach was doing flips, and I was shaking. And to make things worse, my kids immediately embraced the situation- my son sat cross-legged on the glass deck, while my daughter did a back bend over the city of Chicago!
So I had no choice- I had to do it. I never did look down, but I walked onto the deck, had my picture taken, and then got to the elevator as quickly as humanly possible. I did it. I will never do it again, but I did it!
Being able to run, for me, cannot be the end, but rather a means to the end. I have learned to love running, and I anticipate that I will be running numerous races in my future. But in my heart, I want to channel that ability to run and be very active into something more positive. I want to be able to make a difference in the lives of my family, my friends, my students, and even people who I meet along this journey, as an example of how someone can positively change his life for the better. Who knows how successful I will be. All I know is that I have climbed the warrior wall and have stepped onto the glass ledge, so I know that all things in my life are possible.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Gazpacho- a great and easy summer recipe!
What a great and fresh recipe for summer! I made this today, and so gooood!!!
Gazpacho Recipe
Ingredients
Method
Combine all ingredients. Blend slightly, to desired consistency. Place in non-metal, non-reactive storage container, cover tightly and refrigerate overnight, allowing flavors to blend.
Yield: Serves 8.
Gazpacho Recipe
- Prep time: 15 minutes
Ingredients
- 6 ripe tomatoes, peeled and chopped
- 1 purple onion, finely chopped
- 1 cucumber, peeled, seeded, chopped
- 1 sweet red bell pepper (or green) seeded and chopped
- 2 stalks celery, chopped
- 1-2 Tbsp chopped fresh parsley
- 2 Tbsp chopped fresh chives
- 1 clove garlic, minced
- 1/4 cup red wine vinegar
- 1/4 cup olive oil
- 2 Tbsp freshly squeezed lemon juice
- 2 teaspoons sugar
- Salt and fresh ground pepper to taste
- 6 or more drops of Tabasco sauce to taste
- 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce (omit for vegetarian option)
- 4 cups tomato juice
Method
Combine all ingredients. Blend slightly, to desired consistency. Place in non-metal, non-reactive storage container, cover tightly and refrigerate overnight, allowing flavors to blend.
Yield: Serves 8.
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