One thing that I have realized over the past months of my weight loss journey is how truly alone I am in all of this. And I don't say that as a means of bashing any friends. Quite the contrary, I have found support in so many people and in so many ways, that I often feel overwhelmed, yet always grateful to have all of you in my life. I am referring, rather, to the daily decisions that I have to make to ensure long-term success in maintaining my weight-loss.
There is nobody else except for me to remind me what foods I should and shouldn't be eating, and how much is appropriate. There is nobody else who is there to make sure that my daily intake of protein is sufficient. There is nobody else who is there in my life to ensure that I stay sufficiently hydrated. There is nobody to remind me that I need to go run, or exercise in general. There is nobody in my life to make sure that I have taken my daily vitamin supplements. There is nobody in my life to encourage me to push me to the next level. I do all of these things completely on my own, and frankly, it is a very lonely feeling.
Please don't misunderstand me, I don't want to sound like I an whining. I just think that every person should have a few very supportive and understanding people in their life. When in our lives it becomes crystal clear that some people aren't being supportive, but rather, are choosing to be a destructive force, sometimes the only solution is to purge that force out of our lives.
In my case, I am referring to my mother.
Now, many of you know and like my mother, and that is fine. This is strictly about her relationship with me, and I don't ever want what I am writing on my blog to impact how anyone else feels about the woman. However, I have recently had to fire her from the position of being my mom, and that saddens me deeply. It was something that needed to be be done though, and so I did it.
There were many reasons why I did this, but I will focus on the areas that have occurred since the time of my surgery. When I had my surgery in March of 2010, I chose not to tell my mother until literally the last minutes before my operation, and I only told her after my wife begged me to do so. I knew then that I would not get the support that I wanted and needed from her, so I decided to exclude her from the decision making process.
After the surgery occurred, I ended up in the intensive care unit for about 5 days with an internal bleed. During that time, I was visited by my wife, neighbors, friends, and co-workers. Funny, though... even with my mom being an hour away from the hospital, there was no visit by either her or my brother during my ICU stay. My wife later told me that my mom’s response was, "I would rather see him when he is well." Well no shit! I would rather look in the mirror and see a healthy me as well!
And that, my friends, was just phase one.
My mom's oldest sister makes a German coffeecake called streuselkuchen, which is by far the most amazing baked good I have EVER tried. Any time I would visit her in Delaware, she would always bake one for me, and it was pure bliss. My mother never baked this recipe for me, however. Never. That is, of course, until last summer, which was AFTER my weight-loss surgery. She claimed that she was baking for my kids, but of course she made sure to ask me if I wanted some. She has also come to my house on multiple other occasions to bake cookies and brownies with my kids, always checking if I want some. Can you say torpedo?
As far as my exercise regimen goes, my mother has been a negative force as well. Every time that I have told her that I am planning to try and accomplish a new goal, her standard response is, “I think you are doing too much.” She has never encouraged me to try and do more, or even to ask what I am doing to support my weight loss in terms of exercise. A few months ago, she actually looked at me and said, “Your face is looking drawn in. You need to stop losing weight.”
There are other, non weight-loss related issues as to why I am making this decision. Chief among them is the belief of my mother that I have an abusive personality. Yeah, I don’t get that either. She has repeatedly told me in the past that my father was a very abusive person, and I do agree with certain aspects of that statement. He was my dad however, and I had a different relationship with him, so I may not have seen the extent of his abusive nature. So I am willing to let my mother make those statements about my dad. When however, she turns to me, and says that I am becoming more like my father all the time (she has said this on multiple occasions), I have to draw the line. While I realize that I am not always the most pleasant of people to be around, I have never been abusive toward anyone in my life. In fact, I have been a strong and supportive person to my mom in her life as she has battled a myriad of medical issues through the years.
I honestly feel guilty about writing all of this on my blog. I have tried repeatedly to have a positive relationship with my mom, only to be spurned every time I try. This is not an easy thing for me to be doing. I am struggling with this decision even as I type this, but I know in my heart it is for the best.
And yes, I often do get sarcastic in response to my mother’s antics and comments. But still, I always end up giving in, being the bigger person, and maintaining a relationship with the woman, if for no other reason than for my kids. I want them to know the woman that I knew when I was a child. Unfortunately, that woman no longer exists in my world. Kathleen has expressed concern about our kids, and I have told her that she is welcome to maintain a relationship with my mom, and is welcome to include my kids in that, but that I will not be a part of it.
So to quote Donald Trump, “Mom, you’re fired!”
My world needs to be filled with positive people from this point forward. I have to purge as much negativity from my world as possible, even though I know that means that some of the existing relationships in my life will be at least changed, if not severed. This seems like it will clearly be the most painful aspect of my weight-loss journey, but it must be done for me to achieve my goals of an overall better life. On my end, I intend to do everything possible to be a positive energy source to all the people in my life- family, friends, relatives, students, and co-workers.
No comments:
Post a Comment