My self-worth battles and losing close relationships...

It has been a while since I have written anything on this blog, and during that time, my life has been awash with turmoil. I can say that without question, the past couple of months has been one of the most difficult periods of my life. I have failed at many of the most important aspects of my life- my relationships. But the reasons for these failure, while still difficult to accept, make me realize that I am doing this for the right reasons. I am slowly coming to the realization that I have a great deal of worth as a person. I need to make decisions that benefit me, because in the end, my strength will benefit my kids and my friends.

Now don't get me wrong, I know that in many ways I am blessed. I have my health, and I have two of the most amazing kids in the world. I also am lucky enough to have such a wonderful group of friends, many are old friends, while others I have only met recently. I value them all dearly.

But with the great change of weight loss comes great changes to the mind. And unfortunately, my mind is directly connected to my heart. With my massive weight loss, I have become very passionate and demanding about a number of things. And while this weight loss has allowed me to remove any physical barriers to accomplishing any goal I set out to do (hello? half marathon?), the biggest problem I have had has been the many people close to me who have been placing emotional barriers in my way to success. In an earlier post, I discussed my mother at length. I have not had any contact with her since the summer, and that has been a huge weight off my shoulders. Maybe some day I will find room for her in my life, but it will be on my terms, and it is not now.

More recently though, I have had some more serious issues with those closest to me. I will not use this space to personally bash anyone I discuss, nor will I tolerate personal negative comments by readers. While I don't agree with many of the decisions these people are making in their lives, I love all of them dearly. I just may need to love them from a distance. I am no saint either, and many of the decisions I have made have not been helpful to the cultivation of these relationships. I know that, and this blog is simply an outlet for me to discuss my feelings in more depth.




There is some very sad news in my life. It appears that my marriage is ending. Kathleen and I have agreed to separate. We have increasingly been growing apart, and since my surgery, I have not felt that I have had the necessary love and support in my life from my spouse. We have been working in couple's counseling since the summer, and have recently decided that we are getting nowhere and need a break. I don't want to get into details here, but I have agreed to move out sometime after the holidays. Also, if you read this and you know my children, please do not discuss this with them- they are unaware. We are planning to tell them after the holidays, when we have a clear plan in place. This is a very private and painful experience for both of us. What is ripping my heart out more than anything is the fact that in a few weeks, i am leaving my kids. I know that they will still be an active part of my life, and vice-versa, but the mere fact that I will be living at a different address is killing me.

I have gone through the spectrum of emotions over this issue. I have felt grief, sadness, indifference, anger, and even a good bit of optimism and hope. I am hopeful that by agreeing to make this change, that I will have a chance at the happiness that has eluded me for a good bit of my life. Kathleen is a good person, a fantastic teacher, and a great mom. I am just realizing that for a number of reasons, that we may not be able to continue in our relationship. And while that is very painful for me to deal with, I have keep my focus on what will be best for my kids in the long run. Whether we are together as a married couple or apart, I have to continue to work on my relationship with Kathleen so that my kids get the best and most consistent care they can from both of us. So while I don't see much hope in our marriage, I do want to continue to pursue counseling for us, and will always work to find ways to increase our positive communication.

And while there is so much more to the story than I wrote here, this is the extent to which I am willing to comment in a blog at this time. Please respect this, and know that both Kathleen and I are suffering with this decision, and are doing what we feel is best for our futures, as well as the futures of our children.




I have also been struggling with a relationship with a close friend, who has been struggling with similar issues as I have. She is a terrific person, and has been a great source of inspiration for me over the past many months. However, in recent months, I feel that the relationship has turned very one-sided. She has been burdened by some horrible things that are occurring in her life, and has tried very hard to push everyone out of her life. Until recently, I have managed to push back in. I care too much about both her and her family not to try.

My friends know that I am a fiercely loyal person. I may be many many things things- stubborn, opinionated, and emotional, to name a few- but once you enter my world as a friend, I will do anything and everything to keep you there. I don't have many ended relationships in my life as a result. I will gladly and repeatedly give anything I have- time, effort, money, etc...- to help out one of my friends in need.

What kills me more than anything is seeing my friends suffer. I have watched this particular friend suffer deeply, and have tried to be supportive in any way that I think she needs it. Sometimes that has meant that I am forward, just doing things to help her. And other times, it has meant that I need to back away. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for her. But lately, no matter what I do, I have watched my friend push away some of the most supportive and wonderful people in her life. She is now drinking alcohol almost daily, and often heavily, and is clearly spiraling downwards. She has befriended people who are clearly leading her down unhealthy paths. And while I completely understand that, because she recently ended a long and bad relationship herself, she needs to have the freedom to experiment a bit and be a liberated person, she seems to be headed down the wrong path.

My attempts to help her lately have been met with scorn, and I told her that I can't continue to support her if she does this. She has essentially responded that she wants my friendship, but not my advice. I don't think I can live with that deal.

I understand that this journey is a struggle. I struggle every day, and continue to make all kinds of mistakes; physically, mentally, and emotionally. But there are roads that I can never head down. Aside from the fact that there is a long history of alcoholism and substance abuse in my family. Both of my parents, along with my grandparents, have had to deal with this. Add that to the fact that people who have had gastric bypass surgeries have much higher instances of alcoholism than the general population, and I am terrified for my friend and her two beautiful kids. I have decided that I need to step away from her for a while, which is breaking my heart. I will still send her encouraging emails to do healthy things, like attending support group meetings and doctor appointments. However, I can't hang out with her while she is acting like this.

In the end, that might be a reason for her to end our friendship. I am not optimistic at the moment. In fact, it is killing me that I can't do more to help her. However, lately I have felt like much of my support has been used as a crutch to help her with some of these bad habits. That makes me feel like I have been used, and this brings back all my issues of self doubt. I know that I need to be stronger, because I believe that there will be a time that my friend will still need me, and I have to be ready to help her. But I will not be used as a crutch any more. I can't stop her from this spiral, but I can step back and remain supportive when she hits bottom. But I know that she is an adult, and as such makes her own decisions.

She may not want me to be in her life any more. Very possible. And my life will have a huge hollow place, as inside she is such an amazing person. But I see no other way. If I push now, I think that she will become defensive and resentful (she already has been), and I don't want her to hate me. The very last thing that I ever want is to burden her any more. She deserves nothing but the best in her life, and because of her own self-worth issues, is not insisting on high standards. I just hope that she starts reaching higher, as not only her future, but the future of her children are at stake. I am here if she needs me, but I have to focus on other things right now, as I won't be dragged into her tailspin. I need to be better than that. Staying away from my friend is the only way I know to show her how much I care, and I am afraid I care more than she will ever know.