My arch nemesis and best friend... food!

Let's face it. I didn't get to be 389 lbs. by eating a healthy diet. I like to blame my condition on salads, but nobody believes me! Some people have weaknesses for sweets, and others for carbohydrates. Other people eat on the run, often grabbing the wrong items, while still others eat at the wrong times of day.

I was a combination of all of the above. And the food that I was choosing to eat and how I was eating it was slowly killing me. I loved my pizza and pasta and craved non-chocolate desserts. I always am running late, so stopping to grab something (almost always not healthy) at a convenience store was a common occurrence. And my late-night snacks would make Dagwood jealous!

When I made the decision to have the gastric bypass, I knew that my poor eating habits would need to change. As I told my surgeon and many others, if I was going to let someone open me up and rearrange my insides, then I was going to take their recommendations for success deadly seriously. What and how I eat is one of the things that I have had to change.

One side effect for many gastric bypass patients is called dumping syndrome. The body is no longer able to easily digest sugar or lots of fat, and the body's reaction can be severe and sustained, with side effects including diarrhea, vomiting, chills, and pain. While I haven't had dumping in a severe form (yet), I really don't want to risk it. So instantly I eliminated foods high in sugar and fat from my diet.

Another major consideration when I plan my diet is the need to intake enough (80 - 100 grams) protein. My stomach is now the size of a small egg, so I am severely restricted as to how much food I can eat before I become full. To give an idea of the volume that I can eat, picture a small tea saucer. That is about the limit of food that I can handle. So when I fill my small plate, I need to have made good high-protein, low-fat choices. Also, foods like rice, pasta, and bread are like sponges. When those foods hit my stomach pouch, they blow up like a puffer fish. So even if I choose to eat those foods, I can only have a few bites of them at most.

One final thing that has impacted my post-surgical eating choices is the texture of my food. Even more than a year since surgery, I still struggle with eating even the most moist chicken, pork, and beef that is not ground. I have had several experiences where the texture of the foods I eat lead to nausea and lower chest pain (my stomach is higher up than it used to be). So I try to avoid many of those foods and focus on other sources of protein. Beans have been a fantastic alternative for me. I make several different chili recipes (including Meri's AWESOME veggie-filled chili), and have become a soup chef, making such recipes as lentil soup, 16 bean soup, southwest chicken tortilla soup, and my latest creation, a Florentine egg drop soup with mini chicken meatballs. My whole family enjoys eating these recipes, and seem to actually look forward to my creations.

I have also learned to regularly eat Greek yogurt. I choose the non-fat plain yogurt, which on the face of it is pretty disgusting. However, if you add a packet of Splenda, it changes the taste dramatically. Then, if you add fresh berries or other fruits and some granola... yum! One plain, non-fat Greek yogurt has 18 grams of protein. Add some granola, and one serving will give me 25% of my target for protein intake!

One of my other pre-surgical struggles was eating on the run. With two kids who have an ever-increasing schedule of extra-curricular activities, and with both Kathleen and I teaching full-time, I am on the run more than ever. I have had to make sure that I don't fall back into my old "convenience store" traps. I am always going to be eating "on the run" to some extent. I do have to plan better now, and I think this is still a struggle for me. As far out as I am from surgery, my "on the go" foods now include select protein shakes and bars, almonds, bananas, and low fat cheese & a few crackers. One reason that this is now a growing issue for me is the feeling of hunger. From the moment I had the surgery until the past couple of months, I felt no feelings of hunger at all. My body would let me know that I needed to eat something when I would get a light headed feeling. So, I would, and still do, plan on eating 5-6 small meals each day. The hunger is back, however, so I need to resist the urge to snack on the wrong items. Protein bars in particular, while filling and high in protein, are also fairly high in sugar and calories. I have scaled back on some of those bars, and tried to add foods that are similarly high in protein and are filling, but are lower in calories and sugar.

 My latest discovery is soy crisps. Soy crisps are similar to mini rice cakes, with great flavors and a crispy crunch. They are loaded with 5-10 grams of protein per serving, and when topped with cottage cheese, make a wonderful lunch with almost 20 grams of protein. Stop & Shop and Shaws carry some varieties, and they are also available online at Amazon. These fill me up, and have allowed me to scale back my intake of protein bars. All good!

Food is always going to be a struggle for me. However, I have learned that I can still enjoy many foods that I have always loved. I am enjoying cooking more than I ever have, and still love the taste of many foods. I just know that there are restrictions on the quantity of the foods I eat.

Food is, and always will be my arch nemesis... and my best friend!

"You can only put so much of a shine on a turd..."

Since my surgery date, if I had a nickel for every time someone said how great I look, I would be a very wealthy man! I know everyone has nothing but good intentions when they say it, but the truth is that I don't see it! I honestly had the surgery for health and quality of life reasons, and not for looks. I think that when I respond with my "turd" line, it is largely a defense mechanism, as I am not used to hearing that very much. The truth is that fat people don't get many positive remarks about their looks. I never did anyway. So when I don't respond appropriately to a compliment, please understand that I am just not used to it.

But hearing all these comments has gotten me thinking. As a society we focus so much on body image, and I have to confess that it has impacted my life as well, despite my insistence that I am not into focusing on how I look. Pre-surgery, my kids would always assume (correctly most of the time) that when we went to a hotel, that dad would not go swimming. Or when they went to a neighbor's pool, dad would never go in the water. Or when we spent a week at a family reunion at the beach, dad was not going with them when they went swimming. The fact is, I was the biggest person there, and I was uncomfortable. So, it was an easier decision for me to avoid an uncomfortable situation and miss out on parts of my kids' lives than to be uncomfortable and be a part of my kids' lives. Sad, huh? Since the surgery, I have been much more comfortable with who I am. I suppose that has so much to do with being at an extreme with my size. Nobody wants to be the biggest anything... well, maybe porn stars, but that is another discussion.

I find that since the surgery, I often still walk by a mirror and don't recognize the person that I am seeing. In my mind, I am still a porker. But according to the U.S. government, I am now officially not obese. Granted, I am still considered overweight, but I don't think that will ever change. Some people have actually told me that they now think I am too skinny. Wow! Are you freakin' kidding me? The thing is, physically I feel great right now- better than I ever have! I have energy to spare, and am not going back to being fat! I know how poor I felt! I am following the program that the doctors have given me, and intend to keep following it. It is a road map to success, and I will use this tool of my surgery to keep living a top quality life! Too thin? Haha... please don't make me respond to that!

One thing that has been a strange experience for me has been clothes shopping. When you are overweight, it is difficult to find decent looking clothes that fit well. Casual Male Big&Tall was just about my only clothing destination for most of my adult life. They were limited in the styles they carried, but they usually had things that made me look professional. The downside to Casual Male: the price. The fact is that the typical overweight person gets screwed royally when they walk into that store. Yes, they carry Wrangler jeans in a 56 inch waist. Few others do. Come on in and buy it... only $69.99! And you know what, I happily gave them my money, because the alternative was that I would go to work wearing a sexy mumu.

As my weight has been decreasing, my clothes-buying options have been increasing... big time. The first time I went into Kohls, I nearly had a panic attack. Thank God that Kathleen was there. They actually had multiple styles from which to choose! I had to actually THINK about what I WANTED to wear! And then she did it... my wife introduced me to the discount racks! What a concept! I found a pair of jeans at Kohls on the 80% discount rack, and with another 20% off coupon, I paid about $7.50 for them! Kohls is now my bitch!

When I do shop for clothes, I always still seem to gravitate to sizes that are 2-3 sizes above what I actually can wear. I am now a size large, but I always instinctively reach for a 2XL size. I had to force myself last weekend to go through my closet and bag up my 2XL clothes. I had done this previously with my 4XL and 3XL sizes, and as of last weekend,  have donated 30 large trash bags filled with my clothes to either Ginny's Pantry and Thrift Shop or Salvation Army. Oh, the tax receipts this has earned us!

I am sure that I will continue to struggle with my body's self-image. I will always see myself to some degree as a fat guy. And really, I don't think I was a bad person when I was overweight. The image I portrayed to others though, was one of laziness and of being a slob. I always battled hard to overcome those perceptions, and I don't think I was completely successful. I suppose that how others view me is important to some extent, but in all honesty, the fact that I feel so good, and can keep Kohls as my bitch is more important to me that what anyone else sees.

After all, there is only so much of a shine you can put on a turd!

Some say that I have lost weight. I say that I have gained a better life!

So here I am... the same old new me.

As I type this post, it is just over one year after I decided to change my life. On March 3, 2010, I had laproscopic Roux-en-y gastric bypass surgery. Coming to the decision to have the surgery was not an easy thing for me. I have been told by certain people that I tend to be a control freak at times. Managing my weight was no different I suppose. I tried so many diets and exercise programs that I have lost count. And you know what? They worked! I would generally lose some weight and in many cases, would keep it off for a while. But inevitably, I would slip up, and the weight would be regained, and then some. This was a slow roller coaster that took years and years to get to the point that it did. So how bad was it?


At my top weight, I was 389 pounds. I had sleep apnea. I had high cholesterol. My father and grandfather both had type 2 diabetes, and I was headed that way as well. I had foot pain, back pain, knee pain, hip pain, and ankle pain. I wore a size 4XL shirt, and a 56 inch waist. When I flew on an airplane, I wouldn't fit into the seats, and had to ask for the seat belt extensions. I missed out on many personal and professional opportunities due to my size. When I shopped for a car, I purchased "box" cars like a Scion XB or a Kia Soul because I fit comfortably into them. I didn't fit into most cars. I struggled tying my shoes, and would even struggle with personal hygiene issues because I couldn't reach certain parts of my body. I would take multiple showers every day to offset those issues, as I have always been a clean freak of sorts. And most important, I was missing out on many aspects of living with my family and watching my kids grow up. Just trying to play with my kids would get me winded. My weight was hurting my family.

When I first went to UMass for their Weight Center Orientation in June of 2009, I was still of the belief that I was going to follow their behavior track program. While at the meeting, I listened to Dr. Kelly speak, and he answered many questions I had about this mystical weight loss surgery that I had never seriously considered. When I left that meeting, I decided to continue to pursue the behavior route, but at the same time, I started to learn everything I could about WLS (weight loss surgery). I read everything I could find on the topic, and more importantly started to listen to other people who had similar histories and had WLS. I quickly learned that this process was not easy, was not a cure-all, was not without risk, and was not for everybody.

By October, and after extensively consulting with my wife, the decision was made for me to move forward with the process of preparing for this surgery. I was comfortable with the UMass program because it was so comprehensive. I met with an internal medicine doctor, several times with a nutritionist, multiple times with a psychologist, repeatedly with an exercise physiologist, attended several group support meetings, and then took a series of classes about the surgery and how to be the most effective afterward. And the best part of this was that all of these appointments occurred BEFORE I ever met with my surgeon. I believe that UMass wanted to be as sure about my readiness to succeed with this surgery as I wanted to be sure that the surgery was the right tool for me.

By January, I had completed the last of my pre-surgical classes, and chose Dr. Kelly as my surgeon. I met with Dr. Kelly, and got my insurance approval by the end of January. The date was set. March 3, 2010. A day that will live in... well, a great day for me. And I say that as someone who had a serious post-surgical complication. I had an internal bleed somewhere in my gastric system that plummeted my blood levels ans landed me in the ICU for 5 days. In the end, the bleed healed itself, with the help of 6 units of blood transfused into me. The worst part of that experience was that I came home from the hospital anemic, and was very weak for a couple of months.

I had some grand plans for my recovery post-surgery! I decided that since I had taken this time off, that I was going to be the poster child for gastric bypass success! I wanted to start working out immediately, and become a new man within hours. It is funny, however, how anemia can kick those plans in the teeth! For several weeks, I could barely get out of bed each day. I was on a 3-week liquid only diet, and my life quickly transitioned into a routine of sleep and sugar-free Carnation Instant Breakfast shakes. It seriously took a good 2-3 months for my energy level to get back to a normal range. Even when I got back to work after about 6 weeks, my principal later told me that she was ready to call 911 at any moment, because I looked a little green still.

As tough as this part of the recovery was, there were some amazing things happening to me as well. Even without the sustained exercise, the weight was falling off. For the first 3 months, I averaged a weight loss of just over a pound per day. At my 90 day mark, I was down 102 pounds! That was also around the time that my energy level began to soar, and I was finally able to exercise regularly and began to more fully enjoy my family and more fully enjoy my life!

This morning I got onto the scale on my Wii Fit Balance Board. It weighed me in at 224 pounds, which is a loss of 165 pounds in total. To me that is just a number and it seems surreal. I am actually happier about my non-scale victories. I now wear a 36-38 inch waist size, and a size L shirt. I play with my kids regularly, and have even bought a bike. I fit comfortably into an airplane seat. My sleep apnea is gone. My high cholesterol is gone. I have no more body pain of any kind. Aside from my daily vitamins, I am on no medications at all.

But through all of this, I need to remember that weight loss surgery is simply a tool. It has gotten me to a healthy place, but the farther out I am from surgery I get, the more everything falls back on me to succeed. I will always struggle with weight. I will always need to eat right. I will always need to exercise.

I am hopeful that as I proceed through my journey, that I can share some of my struggles and successes with this blog. To me, weight loss surgery is a very private thing. I have not openly announced that I had the surgery until now, although some have asked me. My own mother didn't know about my surgery until I was on my way to the hospital. Sorry mom, I love you, but this was a personal thing, and you talk too much!

So feel free to share any thoughts you have about this. I have learned that there are many misconceptions out there about the surgery I had. It has taken me a year, but I am finally ready to talk about this in a more public way. This surgery certainly isn't for everyone. It was however, just perfect for me!

So here I am, the same old new me...