Shrink Time

So I went to see a psychologist at the UMass Weight Center today (I need to behave- she may be reading this!). While there, I think she was even questioning why I was there to some degree. I know I was. After all, I have been very successful in both diet and exercise, my weight has rocketed downward to amazing lows, I have energy levels now that I have never seen, and I see non-scale victories in my journey every day. But as far as I am concerned, that has been the easy part of my post-surgical life. The mental and emotional struggles that I have encountered have been far more difficult for me to overcome.

I have seen this psychologist prior to today. Before surgery, I met with her twice as part of the screening process to determine whether I was a good candidate for the procedure. I guess I passed that test! After that, I went through with the surgery, and mostly positive things have happened for me! However, I have realized lately that I have been reacting very differently toward people in my life. My tolerance level is lower, and I feel I get frustrated much easier. So, about a month or so ago, I made an appointment to meet with this psychologist again.

I felt that during that meeting, I was able to articulate many of the jumbled issues inside my brain. I also decided after that first meeting to try and come up with some positive ways for me to work through the emotions in which I was experiencing. This blog was one of the things that I decided to do to help with that. Sure, part of the reason I started this was to share my journey with many people who were previously unaware of my experiences. But in addition to that, I wanted a place that I could focus my thoughts. I wanted a place where I could express my emotions, opinions, and feelings about things that have been impacting my life. And right now, this surgery and its effects are pretty high on that list.

Another thing that I have done is to increase the intensity of my workouts. This too, has happened for multiple reasons. Of course there is the desire to be in better shape and possibly run in upcoming races. But I have also found that while working out hard, I can relax my mind and focus my thoughts better than when I am not exercising. One of the suggestions given to me at today's session was to try deep breathing exercises or meditation of some sort. I will be exploring those more very soon.

I realized a few important things today. One was that I need to take more time to celebrate what I have accomplished, and focus less on what I still need to achieve. I know that I still look at the number on the scale, and wonder how low it can go. And, it is still going down, so I don't know the answer to that. However, what that does is make me lose focus on the 175 lbs that I have lost to this point! And frankly, that is damn good! If I was to not lose another pound, I will be at a healthy weight that I am happy to maintain for the rest of my (hopefully) long life. But as someone who has had a lifelong struggle with the scale, I find it so difficult to accept that sense of achievement. I hope that my being more aware of this will allow me the ability to face this head-on. We will see!

Another thing I realized today was that I need to keep my issues in perspective. While in the waiting room before my appointment, I was nearly brought to tears by two things I read from friends of mine. Both have had weight loss surgery, and both are struggling in very different ways. I know I get frustrated easily now, and frankly I feel that I can be very petty at times. While my frustrations are real, and need to be dealt with, I know that they are nowhere as important as what my friends are going through, and I need to work on remembering that. I hope that I can be there for them when they need me.

I also know I have many things to continue working on. I want to be more patient. I want to keep my sarcastic comments to myself more. I want to work on cultivating and maintaining positive healthy relationships. I want to be a kinder person. I want to make a positive difference. I am so far from perfect that it is sad, but I want to keep trying. I will get there eventually.

So at the end of the session today, when I was asked if I wanted to be seen again, I had to say yes. Having a neutral party to be able to bounce my hopes, fears, frustrations, and dreams off of, has been extremely valuable to me so far. Both times I have seen her post-surgery, I have been able to walk out of that office and formulate a plan of how I can make my life better. And after all, isn't that exactly why I had the surgery in the first place?